Anything But Fine...

He did it again, jerk. And I keep putting myself in this position so that he gets to be a jerk and I get a little bit of heartbreak every time. So what do I do? Do I just delete his phone number like I've done in the past? Try to forget all about him? It doesn't sound like the grown-up thing to do. And it didn't exactly work last time with the other jerk. I guess I'll just keep going along my merry little path and pretend that everything is alright.
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I'm still making the same mistakes. I know I wrote about it last time... but it bothers me that I can't change this. I've listened to every sad, acoustic song that I've got in my iPod. It's not helping. And it hurts :(
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Life's too complicated. I'm not growing up. I'm going to run away to Never Never Land and chill with the lost boys.
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Anything But Fine by ZOX

To Be Continued...

I make a lot of mistakes. I always have. I don't learn and move on. I learn, forget, do it again, kick myself for doing it again after I had supposedly learned, and then re-learn and start the cycle all over again.
And here I am. At the beginning again. Three years has taught me absolutely nothing. *Sigh* So why would I think that this time, things would be different?
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So in an unrelated note, J. and I had an epic day of hanging out. Most amazing. R, I love you... *tee hee* it was fun :D
I'm about to have another epic day tomorrow with Babes... hopefully... Supposedly, we're going to go get my new cell phone fixed because I tried to text peeps today and it didn't work. It would figure that the first time I get text, I screw it up :( (that'd be an epic fail, for those of you that don't know).
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I haven't been able to write anything lately... no songs, no stories... not even diary entries. This blog is proving to be unhelpful. Hmmm. Lame. Oh well, it's not like I've got better things to do ;).
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To Be Continued... by Set Your Goals

Past Praying For...

So I've been thinking a lot lately about nothing. I'm not sure how that's possible, but suffice it to say that it is. This post is going to be as scattered as my thoughts, I can assure you of that.
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I babysat V. today, I love that girl. K. paid me in advance to take care of her animals next week while she attends her Ex-Husband's wedding (V. is in it and she doesn't want to go alone... what an awkward situation...).
ANYWAY, she was telling me how to deal with her dog, who is a sixteen year old border collie who is on Death's doorstep. Apparently, if the dear pooch dies, I am to call her to let her know, and Dad will handle it (This isn't strange, since K. is friends with Mom). The funny part of this is that I was telling J. about it since we were talking about animals. He replied that if the dog died in her sleep, he thinks that I should... ahem... put her in a box, wrap it, and send it to someone I don't like. I can totally think of people to do this to, but it'd be so completely wrong. SO wrong. Well, that's J. for you.
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I just finished watching A Haunting In Connecticut for the second time tonight. I can't decide if it freaks me out or inspires me. I do highly recommend it though, it was absolutely incredible. I still have the rhyme stuck in my head. L. was right, it's addictive. One bright day in the middle of the night/ Two dead boys got up to fight / Back to back they faced one another/ Pulled out their swords and shot each other... It's just the right mix of funny and creepy... But yeah, so I was putting my cup of tea into the sink... I walked into the kitchen (all of the lights were off, of course) and I forgot that all of the lower cabinets were open, since we have a mouse and Jazz (the cat) is too lazy to get off of her bum to catch it. I walk into the kitchen and one of the cabinets brushes my leg... I FREAKED OUT. It was one of those moments where you can feel your heart STOP beating and everything just jumps out at you. Anyway, I felt really foolish afterward and had more tea.
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R. went off to camp the other day. It isn't unusual for him to disappear for weeks at a time away at camps or family vacations... I am a bit miffed right now, though. He called me from Chicago before he boarded his flight home, and I left him a message back, since I didn't have my cell at the time that he called me. He never called me back... and now he's gone for a week. It would have been nice if he would have, you know, let me know that he made it back into the state without being in a plane crash... *sigh*. And since I know that you're reading this right now, Babes... I'm holding a grudge. And you need to get your yearbook. Thank you very much. (note the clipped tones implied with the extensive period use).
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I feel like I'm at the brink of something. I don't know what, though. It's not college... I can tell that it's not... Or maybe I'm just going crazy.

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Past Praying For by VersaEmerge

Living In America...

So last night I saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with a very odd collection of friends. It originally began with S and I making plans because I haven't hung out with her since before graduation, despite the fact that she's supposed to be my best friend. We then recruited R (who I had to pick up because he's still grounded - good job, Babes) and I called up I, who brought along J. I've never actually hung out with J, so it was an interesting experience in getting to know her.
Anyway, the movie... despite what some die-hard fans will say... was quite enjoyable. I mean, I thought it was brilliant, as far as movies went. I recognize that everything in the book can't be stuffed into the movie without us sitting in the cinema for hours on end. But yeah, good movie. I recommend it so long as you know how to let little things go.
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So S spent the night after the movie. We went to Sheetz with R where we stocked up on coffee and after dropping R off, we stopped by Wal-Mart and got a frozen pizza to cook when we got home. We stayed up until 6am... S decided to set her alarm on her cell phone because she hadn't woken up any later than 11am the whole summer.... Guess who had to wake up? Yeah... Dunno why. Lame.
We watched Some Kind of Wonderful which I can totally relate to (damn it), then we went to the pool and C joined us. After S went home, C and I jammed for a bit. He said that he honestly likes my new song. I'm excited, because I love that song too... :)
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I got my AP grades back... Very awesome. I got a 5 on my AP United States History exam and a 4 on my AP AB Calculus exam... I did A LOT better than I thought I did. Wow...

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Living In America by The Sounds

The Wordless

So I had a random bout of writing depression today where I decided that all of my ramblings were worthless and I was going to be in the fast food industry for the rest of my natural existence. Thanks to R and J, this passed by rather quickly. Ha, I found this one thing that I wrote about a certain Jerk... It was just a novelized version of an encounter that I'd had with him. It's weird to look back on that, after all this time has passed and everything has changed. I'm glad things had turned out that way. No regrets.
Anyway, I found out what the problem is concerning my writing. I've been stuck at these two points in this book that I'm writing. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize what the problem's been. I can't write because I don't know *how* to write about a relationship. I can't write about the relationship because I can't write what I know with that... I just can't. Not that I write what I know for the rest of the stories that I write... But this book has been as close as I can get to what I know, and now I'm stuck. I guess I can wait a little longer, it's taken me two years to get here as is. *Sigh* And I really, really wanted to finish it this summer. Oh well.
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I'm re-writing a couple of my songs tonight. I can't sleep, so I might as well make music, right? I might as well do *something.* The songs aren't bad, but they need new music... new rhythms... something different, something unique, something that can be mine.
I'm tired of writing songs for other people. I want to write stuff for me. Songs that I can love no matter what.
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I'm afraid to write anything else up here right now. I've not been to bed before 4 in two weeks. Of course, I also sleep in past noon, but still. I haven't been able to keep my thoughts straight lately. *Sigh* Off to go read Book 5 of the Wheel Of Time... (Don't make fun, it's a good series).

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The Wordless by Cinematic Sunrise

Therapy...

I'd like to think that we all have a purpose. That we all have some major function to perform throughout the course of our lifetime that makes all of our struggles and our frustrations worthwhile.
Right now, the only purpose that it seems that I have is to make things complicated. To plan out everything perfectly, and then screw them up terribly. I build things up to their full potential, and then I completely destroy them.
How do you change that without changing everything?
I thought at one point that I could change things about myself, things that I didn't like. But I know now that I can't. I'll always be this silly little girl with silly daydreams and no concept whatsoever of reality.
Anyway, this was just a random spilling of thoughts so as to clear my head and get me ready for some serious writing-time.
♥

Therapy by All Time Low

Blue Eyes...

I'd like to think that most of the time, things turn out for the best, right? What if they don't? I promised myself that I'd come out of the summer being able to say that I had no regrets as I went on to college. I wanted to look back on this summer and smile, because I knew that I had done everything that needed to be done.
So why do I let him get to me? Even when I'm not around him, he's still there, haunting me. Ugh. I wish I could just rip out the part of my brain that thinks about him still.
R. says that I don't try. But what's the point in trying when the ending isn't happy... when the Prince finds a different Princess and the serving girl is always a serving girl. *Sigh* But why am I dwelling on such things? I should just put all of this behind me, because I'm bigger than this petty daydreaming. I should be more... I'm a writer. I have to find the line between fiction and reality and keep myself from falling too far into dreams of what could be.
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Anyway, today was most awesome. I. and I went to the music store and we chatted with the guy who worked there. He ended up giving I. a couple of free guitar picks. I love going there. K. wasn't working, which I was kind of bummed about, because I really like chilling with him and talking music. He's never there when I'm there... maybe he's avoiding me? LoL.
Then we went off to lunch at ECW because I. had never been there and I bought because it was her birthday lunch (since I didn't get out of the house in time enough to get her a present). After eating, we went to the Mall, where we wandered about for a good two hours or so, randomly browsing through DvD's and CD's... I held Nothing Personal (All Time Low's new CD) in my hand... but I had an iTunes Giftcard waiting for me so I could get the Bonus Track version (which by the way is *incredible*). It was awesome. I don't hang out with I. nearly as much as I should.
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So this week is going to be absolutely insane, but in a good way. I need to have more crazy weeks like this. Less chance of me going crazy in the house.
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J. and I played a wicked prank on R. today. We convinced him that we were both crushing on the other and didn't want the other to know about it. You'd think that R. would have gotten it, since J. and I used that *exact* same joke on C. on April Fool's Day... but whatever. ILY Babes :D ♥
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Anyway, I'm exhausted, and I"ve got some Best-Friend-Time coming up tomorrow, so I'd best be super rested. I mean, I am the mean jerk who played pranks on him all night ;)
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Blue Eyes by Ian Walsh

I Hope I'm Blind...

Ah, today was a good, good day. I'm surprised that I've nothing bad to write about... not really.
R and I talked a lot about the feeling that sometimes arises when you think that all of your friends aren't really your friends, and they're just being nice to you because they don't want to tell you that they can't stand the sight of your face....
I've been feeling a lot like that lately, but it's just my paranoia setting in again.
Anyways, I broke that feeling up quickly.

I was surprised today. Mom, who is usually a crazy, crazy woman, brought me home a grape Arctic Rush ( I miss the name Misty...) on her way from work. It was super sweet. When I was little, she used to stop by DQ on her way home from work every day and bring me home a Misty. It made me feel like a little kid again. We talked and watched a couple of movies ( which, btw, reminds me to mention that Confessions of a Shopaholic was the cutest movie - ever- especially with Hugh Dancy (♥♥♥) ). But yeah, she was really awesome and today was really awesome. Dad was really cool too... Maybe they weren't being nice and they were just messing with my head... Hmmm... *can see this as a possibility*

So I was talking to R on AIM today, and apparently a friend from London, K, got in touch with him. I haven't talked to her since a few months after I left that amazing, amazing city. I was really surprised. I mean... wow. I'd talked to her sporadically, like when I told her what R's SN was... ( Okay, I'm sorry Babes, no more giving your SN to random strangers that you don't know). Anyway, she's really cool. I miss talking to her. I should start that back up again, it's always cool to have friends in another country, especially the country you're planning on moving to as soon as possible. Haha...

So I found my black Jersey scarf... I've been missing it since Prom... But I found it! (mutters - with my other scarves...). I'm in love with these things... they're awesome and perfect and fun. Like right now... I'm wearing it in the Hollywood-Movie-Star-Fashion. Later I'll probably be wearing it as a shawl, but whatever. It's fun :D

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I Hope I'm Blind by Ian Walsh

Just A Random Comment...

My dad just asked me why I don't try out e-harmony or something like it since I obviously can't get a boyfriend on my own...
I'm 18...
Thanks, Dad ♥ >P

Sick Little Games...

So I had one of *those* days today.
I got up early... T was leaving for the beach and I wanted to see him off. He's never been on an extended trip without family there... But he's going with S's family, so I guess that's pretty much the same thing. But Mommy won't be there... HA
Anyway, I was supposed to hang out with a friend (initials are too obvious right now) because he had to cancel going to lunch with me and a few of our friends. He calls me ten minutes before he was supposed to be at my house, saying that he was running late. I was too, so it was okay... And then he calls back ten minutes later and says that "Hey, *Friend* just called me and he's on his way over to my house.... We're going to go grab lunch. Can you meet us?"
I didn't really mind that our plans had changed. I had thought of a really good outfit the night before that I wanted to try out, so I put it on and borrowed the car to drive into town. I love, love, loved the outfit I had on. It was absolutely perfect, and absolutely wasted on today.
... This is where I'd like to say that if *Friend* doesn't want me there, don't invite me. Like, seriously, it doesn't hurt my feelings if you say "Hey, we're going to have some guy time and talk about partying and our plans for next week." Thanks for making it awkward.
... Anyway, I show up at the designated restaurant (which is way over-priced and I didn't eat there anyway...) and sat there as they discussed partying and their beach plans. *Friend* made me feel so very uncomfortable. I hate his pointed looks at my friend, basically saying "Why is she here?!" and his mocking tone as he asks me questions he knows the answer to. I had thought that *Friend* and I were friends, but every time we see each other, we end up fighting. No matter what. I can't stand it. Jerk.
Anyway, I get home and called L, because I had told her that I couldn't go out tonight, since I had gone to lunch with my friend and *Friend*. So I called her up to say that I would be *happy* to hang out with her, but I couldn't drive, since my dad took the car to work. She never called me back...
So I was pretty dejected. My dad asked me why I didn't have any plans on a Friday night. I knwo this sounds way to sensitive, but I was so upset about how lunch had turned out and about *Friend's* behavior, that I promptly ran into my room and cried. He then brought me chocolate and apologized. I forgave him... sent back the chocolate. Wrote music for an hour... Watched six hours of television... and listened to the new All Time Low CD for the fiftieth time.
So that's my day. Yay....
Tomorrow will be better... It's not like it can get worse...

Sorry for the rant. I'll have better stuff to write later :)

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Sick Little Games by All Time Low (new CD Nothing Personal comes out on July 7th... and is amazing)