I Own These Streets

61 Days and counting.

I've been writing in this blog a lot more frequently because I've been trying to figure a lot of things out lately. It's not that everything has gotten more complicated, it's just that I've decided that now is the time to clear away all of the old cobwebs, and now I'm confused about what to keep and what to throw away. It's not an easy decision by a long shot. But I know that I'll make the right decisions. Or at least, I know that I'll get by with whatever I choose.

I'm going running in four and a half hours with D and E(2). I haven't done this since the beginning of May when I was still at college and utilizing our free gym. But I'm really excited about it. I can't wait. Even though I'm not going to go to sleep tonight and then going to run three miles (?!?!). Good thing I spend most of my time sleeping the day away.

My new job has proven an interesting experience for me. While I'm not really into what I do, I'm learning a lot about people. I'm still terrified, though, and I think it'll be a good growing-up thing for me to learn how to get past that fear. I've always been irrational about my shyness. In school, the complaint that I heard from teachers wasn't "she acts out and is irresponsible," but instead "she's a good student, but needs to speak up more." I'm tired of being that girl. I'm ready to become someone else. Besides, I need to be able to sell my novel, right?

Speaking of my novel, the first draft is still scheduled to be finished by the end of July (crosses fingers and prays). There are always complications that could cause it to extend into August, but I'm really, really pushing for it to be done by the time E(1), M, and I move into our new apartment. I need to be ready to move on with my life. So by Christmas, it will be completely and totally finished. And ready to send to publishers. We'll see if that goes anywhere.

Lost In Normandy is reuniting this weekend!!!!!!!!!! We're not going to be playing anywhere, but we'll still be together. I haven't seen E(1) since I came back from college. E(1) is getting us tickets for the Jonas Sees In Color concert :D If you haven't checked them out yet, you should. My favorite of their songs is "Loose Threads" but they also have great tracks like "Devil In The City," "Avalanche," and "West Coast." All of their songs are great, but those are my favorites. <3>

I'm booking train tickets for LIN's trip to PA with J. It's going to be EPIC AWESOMENESS. We're so crazy. And we're taking a *train.* SOOO awesome!

I Own These Streets by Jonas Sees In Color

Am I Missing

I hate writing. I hate it so, so much. But I love it, too. I can feel the story there, I can live it again and again in my false memories, but I can't put words to what is happening in my mind. The words aren't right. They're empty and meaningless for the time being. I feel like such a jerk for putting Min through all of this. I mean, she's going to come out stronger for it, but still.

It sucks. I start writing and all I can see is a mirror. I don't want to lose part of me in this novel. It started out as nothing, but now it has become everything.

I've come a very long way from my first novel.

The scary thing is that the revision process of this story is going to be a lot more intense than the first draft. I'm scared. I don't know the ending anymore.

On an unrelated note, my job scares the hell out of me. It's not a hard job. There's no reason for me to be so terrified of walking in the doors and clocking in. But I am afraid, so very, very afraid. I'm afraid that I'm going to mess up, that I'm going to fail, that I'm not going to be good enough. But lately I've felt like that about everything. It's like something has a constant grip on my lungs and I can't really breathe.

On one hand, I think it's good that I'm out of my comfort zone. I'm tired of being the shy, quiet girl in the back of the room who never speaks up. I want to grow up. But everything that I've been through has said that it's just better to go unnoticed. I'm not sure how this is going to work out when E and I become famous rock stars... So I stay at my new job, and I try and get more comfortable with it. Maybe it'll help me grow as a person, or maybe I'll screw up and get fired. Either way, it beats sitting at home. Although, either way, I'm going to be a bit more insane by the end of the summer.

I'm tired of dreaming.

Am I Missing by Dashboard Confessional.

Kiss and Sell

So here's to the start of a new adventure - my first day of my first real job. *insert terrified face here.*

I've noticed something. Whenever I'm nervous or unsure about a situation I'm going to be placed in, I tend to obsess over my outfit that I'm going to wear to the situation. Right now I've delved into the deepest corners of my closet and still have no idea what I'm going to wear tonight. I also tend to listen to sad music, but I think that's just a phase that I'm in right now in my iTunes library.

I think the thing I miss most about college is having a giant group of friends in one convenient place. If E went out and M was busy, all I had to do was walk down the hallway and I'd find someone... not that I ever really did that, but the point is still there. It's very lonely at home.

I've started reading the twelfth Wheel of Time book: The Gathering Storm. Meh. I respect Brandon Sanderson immensely for stepping in and doing what had to be done after Robert Jordan passed away. But still. I miss the way the books used to be written :( I'm really, really excited to see what will happen in the final books, though. I mean, it's been thousands upon thousands of pages. I never thought the books would come to a close.

I also finished Persistence of Memory by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes. It blew my mind that this book combined every one of the books that she had previously written. Like, in the back of my mind, I realized that all of the books were connected, but this book spelled it out for me and I think I actually, excitedly, shrieked when I realized it. Great book :)

Because of the excessive reading I've been doing lately, my own book has been neglected somewhat more than I had anticipated. I just keep getting so into what is going on in the story that I have no idea how to handle my own character right now. I'm getting lost in the world I've built out of words and boredom. I'm still planning on finishing it by the summer though. There is a definite ending, I just have to figure out how to get Min to see that.

Kiss and Sell by The Maine

Very Good Advice

I got my very first *real* job today. I'm pretty sure that it usually takes more than three minutes to interview, usually, but it was fun and now I'm going to have a paycheck and can take that on my trip to visit my roommate :D

I still have a count-down until I get to go back home. 73 days and counting. I really can't wait to be on my own, though I've had some fun since I've been back in town. I really, really miss performing though. I also miss going to the beach. I need some sunshine (it's been rainy here - blah). Sunshine and cute boys and my girls back at my side. Ah yes.

I cannot wait until Alice in Wonderland comes out on DVD soon. I know a lot of people think that it was lame, but I absolutely loved that movie. Maybe it's because I'm half-mad as is. :)

This novel that I'm writing is going to end up kicking my butt. (sigh). I must prevail!

Very Good Advice - Alice in Wonderland (covered by Robert Smith)

The Future Freaks Me Out

I always wanted write things that would follow in the footsteps of Austen or the Brontë sisters. I knew that it wouldn't really happen that way, but it was I dreamt of. I have greatly overestimated my abilities. Maybe I'll be stuck writing bubble-gum-pop novels for the rest of my life. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just wanted to do a little bit more.

I think that being at home has made me lose a lot of the faith in myself that I had gained in college. It doesn't take much to revert back to one's natural state, and all of the ground that I had gained in college seems to have disappeared. Leaving me confused and unsteady. I miss being sure of my abilities. 76 days left until I move into my own apartment far away from this place (not that I'm counting...).

My cat is determined to kill me, that I *am* sure of. Ever since I got home, I've felt absolutely terrible. I might just have a horrible summer cold, but there's a distinct possibility that I am allergic to my cat. So naturally, I became her favorite person in the whole house. She sits with me, sleeps in my bed, and follows me wherever I go. I'm actually afraid of her. She knows what she's doing, too. Silly cat. I don't know who she thinks is going to stay up all night with her if she kills me off.

There are really only two good things that came out of this weekend (Besides my younger brother turning 17... when did he get so OLD?!).

1) I got the first part of the final book in the Wheel of Time series. It's been in bookstores for a while, but I wanted to re-read the books and catch myself up on what was going on (these books are HUGE for those of you who don't know). I also finished more than half of the 836 page book that precedes A Memory Of Light Part 1: The Gathering Storm, which is Knife of Dreams. Because I have no life. And have not been able to leave my house all weekend. Which is coincidentally why I'm writing this blog. At 4:05 in the morning. Because I have no life.

2) I'm almost finished with my first-ever novel. This is a big claim to make, considering I'll probably carry on through fifty-or-so more pages, but it's getting there. All the pieces are coming together :)

I might have to split it up and make it a series. 200+ pages seems a bit much for a bubble-gum-pop novel.

Meh. We'll see where the wind takes me.

The Future Freaks Me Out by Motion City Soundtrack

3695

Usually I adore when I can perfectly recall the last time I listened to a song. I can remember what I was wearing, what I was feeling, where I was, what was going on around me. Lately, that's not as much fun as it used to be.

(sigh) I'm ready to get back to where I was.

83 more days until I move in.

3685 by The Spill Canvas

The End

It's over. And now I'm left wondering where all of the time went. Are there more chapters? Or a sequel? Or is that all that was written?

The End by Mayday Parade