Am I Missing

I hate writing. I hate it so, so much. But I love it, too. I can feel the story there, I can live it again and again in my false memories, but I can't put words to what is happening in my mind. The words aren't right. They're empty and meaningless for the time being. I feel like such a jerk for putting Min through all of this. I mean, she's going to come out stronger for it, but still.

It sucks. I start writing and all I can see is a mirror. I don't want to lose part of me in this novel. It started out as nothing, but now it has become everything.

I've come a very long way from my first novel.

The scary thing is that the revision process of this story is going to be a lot more intense than the first draft. I'm scared. I don't know the ending anymore.

On an unrelated note, my job scares the hell out of me. It's not a hard job. There's no reason for me to be so terrified of walking in the doors and clocking in. But I am afraid, so very, very afraid. I'm afraid that I'm going to mess up, that I'm going to fail, that I'm not going to be good enough. But lately I've felt like that about everything. It's like something has a constant grip on my lungs and I can't really breathe.

On one hand, I think it's good that I'm out of my comfort zone. I'm tired of being the shy, quiet girl in the back of the room who never speaks up. I want to grow up. But everything that I've been through has said that it's just better to go unnoticed. I'm not sure how this is going to work out when E and I become famous rock stars... So I stay at my new job, and I try and get more comfortable with it. Maybe it'll help me grow as a person, or maybe I'll screw up and get fired. Either way, it beats sitting at home. Although, either way, I'm going to be a bit more insane by the end of the summer.

I'm tired of dreaming.

Am I Missing by Dashboard Confessional.