So the other day, I had to write a paper which was supposed to be a reflection on my life so far. I don't know whether I liked that particular assignment or not. While I loved the freedom I had in writing about my life, I still felt weird about telling Mr. B about my past. I did learn a lot about myself though, and it was sooo very weird. I'm not sure how to describe it.
Like... it was almost like I was just an observer in my life, watching this silly girl with dark hair and darker eyes making the same mistakes again and again. You'd think that somewhere along the way my conscious self would step in and stop that stupid girl from repeating herself. But I just keep standing here, and screaming at myself...
...
I keep thinking about how weird it is to be graduating. I never really thought about myself getting that far in life. I'd always had this weird notion that I wouldn't make it to the ceremony... and now that it is rapidly approaching, I'm not sure what to think. I guess I just have to take everything one day at a time, just keep living for the moment, and savor everything that I know I'm going to miss.
This random song keeps playing through my head. It's "What If" by School Boy Humor...
"What if I died tomorrow...
What would you miss me here?
And what if I cried tomorrow...
Would you shed your tears?
A story's just been told that hasn't happened yet
Just a tragic foreshadowing
What could happen..."
I know it's not the happiest thing to be stuck in one's head... but this is so relevant to my life right now. Because, really... Everything's about to end, and there's so many unsaid things between everyone, and they'll most likely never be said. So what if these things were said? By everyone? How crazy would everything become?
We had a Web of Love during Theatre the other day, and I have to say, I've never seen a group of people being so honest with each other. We talked about jealousy, love, anger, pettiness... And where many would think that it'd turn us against each other, I think that we really became closer as a family. Not many Theatre families can do that, and I'm so thankful that ours could, because we had a bond that I've never seen before. I love those people so very, very much, and it hurts that it's taken us this long to realize the relationship we've all established, but I'm also looking forward to becoming closer to all of them over the summer, just in time to leave them all.
So if I were to die tomorrow? What would you all say? Honestly? I hate all of these unsaid things. In the immortal words of one Molly Montgomery, "It sat between us like a lumpy pillow, not harming anything, but getting in the way all the same..."
...
"What If..." by School Boy Humor
Friday, May 29, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
No One Sleeps When I'm Awake...
Yesterday was the last performance of "The Monster Responsible" by my Theatre class. I have to say, it was the best performance we've ever had. I think we were all crying by the end though. On one hand, I'm relieved that it's finally over - because during a show, you're basically living on stress. Stressing over cues, lines, entrances, the little mishaps that always seem to happen (like the traveler breaking during one of the major scenes and the lighting guy leaving his booth to fix it). But it's so very, very sad. I'm never again going to stand on the stage in our Performance Center with those people. Next time my school puts on a production, I'll be in the audience, cheering on the next generation of hopefuls.
I cried all day yesterday during production. I cried when I showed up to put on my make-up. I cried when we held our group prayer to the Theatre Gods. I cried when I sat backstage before my scene, talking about the future with J. I almost told him right then and there what was running through my mind, but that's not his concern. I cried when I went up for the last scene, my candle flame barely holding onto life. I cried presenting K. with flowers. I *didn't* cry while everyone did the Cupid Shuffle after the presentation of flowers. That was a nice little surprise (which I knew nothing about btw...). I did cry when we struck the set, and while I was driving to school to unload the trucks... and on my way home from the school as I was holding Significant Conversation with individuals.
I took the time that we had together for granted. We had our Cast Party at J.'s house, the *perfect* party place, btw, if you ever need to have a get-together... Before we had actually gotten to the Performance Center, we were just a jumble of people, some of us friends, but it almost seemed like we were all in separate cliques, pitted against one another. And then we go through our final run-through, and it just came together like magic. We did it. And we made it incredible. Sure, there were some parts that were rough around the edges, but we had become family - the way a Theatre group should. Our director confessed on that final day that she would have never thought it possible for us to become what we had, but we did it. Our cast party sealed that bond. We can never look back from that day, now. And the pool at K.'s house was absolutely perfect.
...
I was proven just how blessed I was, over this long weekend. Things that I'd been taking for granted were put in jeopardy, and the obstacles were overcome. ♥
...
As I'm writing this blog and reflecting back on how crazy this past week has really been, I've got to mention what my crazy mom is doing right now. Graduation Invitations.
WTF?
I really don't see the point in Graduation Invitations. Everyone that is coming to my Graduation has already been invited and are coming. Why I have to send out announcements and invite people that I haven't ever heard of that are somehow distantly related to me is beyond my comprehension. I mean... really?
And I'm supposed to fill these out, right? Not according to Mom, because I "don't do it right" and will probably "F*** it up" or something. UGH. And why do there have to be steps to doing a Grad. Invitation correctly? Why so many pieces of paper? It really doesn't make any sense.
...
I finally got back on my PureVolume account. Check me out on there if you want: GuitarGirl57. I'm getting some really awesome music, now. Right now I'm listening to The Sounds. They're Swedish, and awesome. Before This Storm still has its profile up. That amuses me. Good times, very good times... Maybe one day... ♥.
...
No One Sleeps When I'm Awake: The Sounds
I cried all day yesterday during production. I cried when I showed up to put on my make-up. I cried when we held our group prayer to the Theatre Gods. I cried when I sat backstage before my scene, talking about the future with J. I almost told him right then and there what was running through my mind, but that's not his concern. I cried when I went up for the last scene, my candle flame barely holding onto life. I cried presenting K. with flowers. I *didn't* cry while everyone did the Cupid Shuffle after the presentation of flowers. That was a nice little surprise (which I knew nothing about btw...). I did cry when we struck the set, and while I was driving to school to unload the trucks... and on my way home from the school as I was holding Significant Conversation with individuals.
I took the time that we had together for granted. We had our Cast Party at J.'s house, the *perfect* party place, btw, if you ever need to have a get-together... Before we had actually gotten to the Performance Center, we were just a jumble of people, some of us friends, but it almost seemed like we were all in separate cliques, pitted against one another. And then we go through our final run-through, and it just came together like magic. We did it. And we made it incredible. Sure, there were some parts that were rough around the edges, but we had become family - the way a Theatre group should. Our director confessed on that final day that she would have never thought it possible for us to become what we had, but we did it. Our cast party sealed that bond. We can never look back from that day, now. And the pool at K.'s house was absolutely perfect.
...
I was proven just how blessed I was, over this long weekend. Things that I'd been taking for granted were put in jeopardy, and the obstacles were overcome. ♥
...
As I'm writing this blog and reflecting back on how crazy this past week has really been, I've got to mention what my crazy mom is doing right now. Graduation Invitations.
WTF?
I really don't see the point in Graduation Invitations. Everyone that is coming to my Graduation has already been invited and are coming. Why I have to send out announcements and invite people that I haven't ever heard of that are somehow distantly related to me is beyond my comprehension. I mean... really?
And I'm supposed to fill these out, right? Not according to Mom, because I "don't do it right" and will probably "F*** it up" or something. UGH. And why do there have to be steps to doing a Grad. Invitation correctly? Why so many pieces of paper? It really doesn't make any sense.
...
I finally got back on my PureVolume account. Check me out on there if you want: GuitarGirl57. I'm getting some really awesome music, now. Right now I'm listening to The Sounds. They're Swedish, and awesome. Before This Storm still has its profile up. That amuses me. Good times, very good times... Maybe one day... ♥.
...
No One Sleeps When I'm Awake: The Sounds
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Can You Hear Me...?
There are certain things that I'd like to say to certain people. I stole this off of R.'s facebook page (thanks dear). So let's get the bashing started...
1. Okay. I'm not perfect. Live with it. Just because your life didn't take you where you wanted it to does not mean that you have the right to bash all of my hopes and dreams. You made your decisions, so let me make mine. We grew up in different times, you can't expect me to have the same views and opinions as you did when you were my age, and you can't try to make me into something that I don't want to be. I just want to write stories and play music. Maybe I'll be happy without a lot of money. I don't want to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a naval officer (btw, wtf?). So let me be, and stop nagging me ALL THE TIME. It's my senior year, let me make a few decisions, and hey, this is a crazy idea - why not support me in my choices? You know I love you, but sometimes I get the distinct impression that you wish that I had never been born -- do you even have the slightest idea of how that makes me feel? And by the way, when a person is nice enough to bring you home amazing cookies, just say "Thank You" and eat the damn cookies!
2. Sometimes, I almost think that it would have been much easier for me if we had never met last year. Part of me wants to say that it was worth it, just to have gotten to know you, because you really are one of the most amazing people that I've ever met, honestly. But... I don't know, sometimes it feels like you really dislike me. But then you say you're just kidding and you give me that look that makes my breath freeze for a second. But I can't have you anyway, and I just keep leaving myself open for disappointment. I want to tell you so badly how I feel... but I can't destroy what we've built, you know? So yeah, I'll keep silent and I'll keep watching you make the same mistakes. Maybe someday you'll learn... But whatever...
3. Stop messing with me, okay? One minute you're really into me, the next you're going on and on and on and on and on and on about some random girl that you've hooked up with, or are talking to, or are thinking about... Why? What purpose does this serve? Does it make you feel more like a stud or something, to brag about your latest conquest? Why do you have to brag about it to me? I really don't get it. You know how I feel about you. Maybe it's not as amazing as the way I feel for 2, but still, you could at least aknowledge it. *Sigh* And you're such a drama queen. Get over yourself, already, dear, because I promise you, your life is NOT as bad as you keep whining about!!!
4. Sometimes, I honestly don't think I'm good enough to hang out with you. You're so amazing and pure and incredible and... amazing... I just feel like I can't even compare to half of your other friends. I know you say I'm "the best" but really, when I'm around you, I feel totally insecure. You're just so talented and awesome... You're really the best person in my life right now - and I hope that you know that. I love you so very, very, very much, and I really don't know what I'm going to do without you in the fall. I know you say you're replacable, but *I'm* the one that's easily replaced, not you. No one will *ever* be able to fill the spot that you hold in my heart.
5. Get over yourself. You're not as great as you think you are - I promise you. I recognize the fact that we've been friends since, like, forever, but that does *not* give you the liberty to treat my other friends like crap, whether you like them or not. She never did anything directly to you, and just because she made a choice in her love life that you didn't agree with *does NOT* mean that you should treat her like dirt. She was willing to fight for your friendship, but you let your opinions come between the two of you. I respect that you're willing to hold strong to your convictions, but just because you hate her boyfriend shouldn't mean that you now hate her, too. I'm really tired of you putting me in the middle of this crap, and honestly, if it comes down to it, I'm most likely to pick her.
6. I still feel awful about what went down between us. It shouldn't have happened like that. I'm surprised we're even able to talk. I guess I'm just too much of a coward to be able to handle things in adult ways. I'm too afraid of getting hurt to let anyone in. Your deserve more than that, and I really hope you find it.
7. Alright, if I'm a coward, then you're even more of one. You went behind our backs, you tried to sabotage us, and you didn't deal with things the way someone in your position should. I appreciate all of the honest concern I think you've felt for my, but don't be nice to my face and then wrong my friends behind my back, 'kay? Because they deserve more than that, and I think you realize that, too.
8. I pity you. I pity you so very much. I'm sorry that I'm leaving you behind to deal with all of this craziness, but I know you're strong enough to handle it. You deserve more credit that you get. I know that I joke that you're not the brightest around, but you have a big heart, and I can respect and love that. I know that I don't show it all the time, but I love you, and you're the most amazing sibling a girl can have.
So that's my rant on the people in my life that I feel needed to be addressed. No offense meant to any party, really, if you can figure out who you are. If I didn't get this out, I knew I was going to explode.
...
Can You Hear Me? - Evelyn
1. Okay. I'm not perfect. Live with it. Just because your life didn't take you where you wanted it to does not mean that you have the right to bash all of my hopes and dreams. You made your decisions, so let me make mine. We grew up in different times, you can't expect me to have the same views and opinions as you did when you were my age, and you can't try to make me into something that I don't want to be. I just want to write stories and play music. Maybe I'll be happy without a lot of money. I don't want to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a naval officer (btw, wtf?). So let me be, and stop nagging me ALL THE TIME. It's my senior year, let me make a few decisions, and hey, this is a crazy idea - why not support me in my choices? You know I love you, but sometimes I get the distinct impression that you wish that I had never been born -- do you even have the slightest idea of how that makes me feel? And by the way, when a person is nice enough to bring you home amazing cookies, just say "Thank You" and eat the damn cookies!
2. Sometimes, I almost think that it would have been much easier for me if we had never met last year. Part of me wants to say that it was worth it, just to have gotten to know you, because you really are one of the most amazing people that I've ever met, honestly. But... I don't know, sometimes it feels like you really dislike me. But then you say you're just kidding and you give me that look that makes my breath freeze for a second. But I can't have you anyway, and I just keep leaving myself open for disappointment. I want to tell you so badly how I feel... but I can't destroy what we've built, you know? So yeah, I'll keep silent and I'll keep watching you make the same mistakes. Maybe someday you'll learn... But whatever...
3. Stop messing with me, okay? One minute you're really into me, the next you're going on and on and on and on and on and on about some random girl that you've hooked up with, or are talking to, or are thinking about... Why? What purpose does this serve? Does it make you feel more like a stud or something, to brag about your latest conquest? Why do you have to brag about it to me? I really don't get it. You know how I feel about you. Maybe it's not as amazing as the way I feel for 2, but still, you could at least aknowledge it. *Sigh* And you're such a drama queen. Get over yourself, already, dear, because I promise you, your life is NOT as bad as you keep whining about!!!
4. Sometimes, I honestly don't think I'm good enough to hang out with you. You're so amazing and pure and incredible and... amazing... I just feel like I can't even compare to half of your other friends. I know you say I'm "the best" but really, when I'm around you, I feel totally insecure. You're just so talented and awesome... You're really the best person in my life right now - and I hope that you know that. I love you so very, very, very much, and I really don't know what I'm going to do without you in the fall. I know you say you're replacable, but *I'm* the one that's easily replaced, not you. No one will *ever* be able to fill the spot that you hold in my heart.
5. Get over yourself. You're not as great as you think you are - I promise you. I recognize the fact that we've been friends since, like, forever, but that does *not* give you the liberty to treat my other friends like crap, whether you like them or not. She never did anything directly to you, and just because she made a choice in her love life that you didn't agree with *does NOT* mean that you should treat her like dirt. She was willing to fight for your friendship, but you let your opinions come between the two of you. I respect that you're willing to hold strong to your convictions, but just because you hate her boyfriend shouldn't mean that you now hate her, too. I'm really tired of you putting me in the middle of this crap, and honestly, if it comes down to it, I'm most likely to pick her.
6. I still feel awful about what went down between us. It shouldn't have happened like that. I'm surprised we're even able to talk. I guess I'm just too much of a coward to be able to handle things in adult ways. I'm too afraid of getting hurt to let anyone in. Your deserve more than that, and I really hope you find it.
7. Alright, if I'm a coward, then you're even more of one. You went behind our backs, you tried to sabotage us, and you didn't deal with things the way someone in your position should. I appreciate all of the honest concern I think you've felt for my, but don't be nice to my face and then wrong my friends behind my back, 'kay? Because they deserve more than that, and I think you realize that, too.
8. I pity you. I pity you so very much. I'm sorry that I'm leaving you behind to deal with all of this craziness, but I know you're strong enough to handle it. You deserve more credit that you get. I know that I joke that you're not the brightest around, but you have a big heart, and I can respect and love that. I know that I don't show it all the time, but I love you, and you're the most amazing sibling a girl can have.
So that's my rant on the people in my life that I feel needed to be addressed. No offense meant to any party, really, if you can figure out who you are. If I didn't get this out, I knew I was going to explode.
...
Can You Hear Me? - Evelyn
Monday, May 18, 2009
Stare At The Sun
So... Evelyn had their second official gig after the school Talent Show today...
I guess we have a record for bad gigs. 2/2. We're awesome (Or not). And we really wanted to play a benefit two weeks from now, but our drummer has a Jazz Band concert at the EXACT same time... how does this even happen??!!??
Ugh. I know I shouldn't be frustrated... but still...
...
Theatre Teacher agreed to let me play one of my original songs backstage during our play! I'm psyched about that. Maybe I won't mess it up. It's a really great song, and it totally fits the show. Yay! I love playing my original stuff :D
I guess we have a record for bad gigs. 2/2. We're awesome (Or not). And we really wanted to play a benefit two weeks from now, but our drummer has a Jazz Band concert at the EXACT same time... how does this even happen??!!??
Ugh. I know I shouldn't be frustrated... but still...
...
Theatre Teacher agreed to let me play one of my original songs backstage during our play! I'm psyched about that. Maybe I won't mess it up. It's a really great song, and it totally fits the show. Yay! I love playing my original stuff :D
Friday, May 15, 2009
Expectations
I can't tell if I'm simply dreading tomorrow, or if I'm looking foward to it. Prom seems like such a *huge* deal, and all of the little things, if not put together in the right order, can destroy it. I completely wrecked my first manicure ever today. It upset me so much that I promptly cried all the way to Wal-Mart, where I met L, K, and E, stopped crying long enough to get my year book, and then began crying all the way home, where I sat out in the garage and cried more. I almost fear that there's something wrong with me, but I think that the realization that this is the END is just hitting me really hard right now.
There are so many things that I want to do, so many places that I want to see... But I'm terrified of losing my friends in exchange for my freedom. I feel like I'm drifting apart from my friends, just because I'm so afraid of them drifting away from me first. When we all went to the nail salon today, I felt so strange. Like... they were part of something more, and I was an observer on the sidelines. That doesn't fully explain it, and I'm not sure if any of the words that I have *can* explain how I felt at that moment, but it wasn't a pleasant feeling. Maybe I'm just going crazy.
...
I'm still super psyched about the show on Monday. I love the rush that you get from standing on a stage in front of maybe a hundred people? Maybe more, maybe less, it doesn't matter so long as you have an audience. And this time we're actually playing one of our original songs, so people will actually get to take a glimpse of the amazingness that is my song-writing. You know what though? I don't really care if anyone likes my song. It's written about a very important part of my life, that completely changed everything around, and it means a lot to me.
...
I got a solo in Ladies Ensemble today... Well, it's more of a duet, with R. I'm sooo freaking excited. It seems to be a great closer to our senior year of high school, seeing as he's my bestestest best friend and all. And he's got the most amazing voice ever. I think it's cute that we're performing "A Whole New World" and he used to kid about wanting to be Aladdin... (or maybe he wasn't kidding...). Yet again more performance rush. I got to sing a solo in "Only Hope" last quarter. It was awesome - I love Switchfoot... and Mandy Moore... and "A Walk To Remember" in general...
...
We only have, like, a few more weeks until school ends. I'm graduating... WHAT THE HELL?
...
Expectations - Belle and Sebastian
There are so many things that I want to do, so many places that I want to see... But I'm terrified of losing my friends in exchange for my freedom. I feel like I'm drifting apart from my friends, just because I'm so afraid of them drifting away from me first. When we all went to the nail salon today, I felt so strange. Like... they were part of something more, and I was an observer on the sidelines. That doesn't fully explain it, and I'm not sure if any of the words that I have *can* explain how I felt at that moment, but it wasn't a pleasant feeling. Maybe I'm just going crazy.
...
I'm still super psyched about the show on Monday. I love the rush that you get from standing on a stage in front of maybe a hundred people? Maybe more, maybe less, it doesn't matter so long as you have an audience. And this time we're actually playing one of our original songs, so people will actually get to take a glimpse of the amazingness that is my song-writing. You know what though? I don't really care if anyone likes my song. It's written about a very important part of my life, that completely changed everything around, and it means a lot to me.
...
I got a solo in Ladies Ensemble today... Well, it's more of a duet, with R. I'm sooo freaking excited. It seems to be a great closer to our senior year of high school, seeing as he's my bestestest best friend and all. And he's got the most amazing voice ever. I think it's cute that we're performing "A Whole New World" and he used to kid about wanting to be Aladdin... (or maybe he wasn't kidding...). Yet again more performance rush. I got to sing a solo in "Only Hope" last quarter. It was awesome - I love Switchfoot... and Mandy Moore... and "A Walk To Remember" in general...
...
We only have, like, a few more weeks until school ends. I'm graduating... WHAT THE HELL?
...
Expectations - Belle and Sebastian
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Can't Forget Your Face...
You know, I love it when my mother doesn't tell me things. Like the fact that three members of my family are apparently in town from Illinois tonight. Thanks, Mom, for giving me the appropriate time, in between rehearsal and band practice, to clean my room (where my Aunt is staying for the duration of their trip). UGH.
...
We had band practice today and it wasn't as ah-mazing as yesterday was. It was still fun, but not because of the music. C. came, it was wicked. She and I did slutty dances to Oops! by Britney and several other songs by her. I have so much fun with that. I should be a hooker. LoL (JUST KIDDING). But yeah, C. and I pulled out my acoustic while C., J., J., and T. played catch with a football in the dark (yeah, good luck with that, boys). It was really cool. C. and I don't hang out nearly enough. We'll have to change that.
I'm so crazy-excited about Oscar night on Monday :D Everyone should come out and watch the show!!! We decided to nix our performance of the original Evelyn song "Gravity" and instead, we're playing the first song I've ever seriously written. It's called "Can You Hear Me?"
It'll be kind of strange. I mean, I wrote it about W. a VERY long time ago... (okay, it was last summer... but still...), but it totally expresses everything that I feel.
...
So I've been trying to start re-writing this book. I miss writing. I just can't get into it though. It's like... the words just won't come STILL. I know that the first book I ever wrote sucked, but at least it gave me a purpose. uuugh. But maybe one day I'll get back in the swing of this. Maybe...
...
Can't Forget Your Face : Lindsay Robins
...
We had band practice today and it wasn't as ah-mazing as yesterday was. It was still fun, but not because of the music. C. came, it was wicked. She and I did slutty dances to Oops! by Britney and several other songs by her. I have so much fun with that. I should be a hooker. LoL (JUST KIDDING). But yeah, C. and I pulled out my acoustic while C., J., J., and T. played catch with a football in the dark (yeah, good luck with that, boys). It was really cool. C. and I don't hang out nearly enough. We'll have to change that.
I'm so crazy-excited about Oscar night on Monday :D Everyone should come out and watch the show!!! We decided to nix our performance of the original Evelyn song "Gravity" and instead, we're playing the first song I've ever seriously written. It's called "Can You Hear Me?"
It'll be kind of strange. I mean, I wrote it about W. a VERY long time ago... (okay, it was last summer... but still...), but it totally expresses everything that I feel.
...
So I've been trying to start re-writing this book. I miss writing. I just can't get into it though. It's like... the words just won't come STILL. I know that the first book I ever wrote sucked, but at least it gave me a purpose. uuugh. But maybe one day I'll get back in the swing of this. Maybe...
...
Can't Forget Your Face : Lindsay Robins
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows
Uuuugh, Mondays... I hate Mondays. They're not as bad as Tuesdays, but they still suck.
...
So yesterday was Mother's Day (obviously), but seeing as how I was completely and utterly exhausted from sunburn and car-washing Saturday, I slept in until noon. This is not unusual for me, seeing as I would spend most of my day sleeping given the choice.
T. and I got her a card. "Have A Kick-Ass Mother's Day"... When opened, it played "All-Star" by Smashmouth. It's one of those cards that you record yourself on, so all Mom heard when she opened it was:
Me : "Happy Mother's Day Mom! I love you!"
T: "...."
Me: "T. say something..."
T: "... Start it over..."
Me: "T... You *can't* start it over!"
T: "Oh... Happy Mother's Day!"
I swear, he must get it from somewhere. Maybe I took all of the smart genes.
But anyway, continuing with the horrid Mother's Day.
I've been going through a lot of crap lately, and usually I'm pretty good at masking my feelings, but since I'd been home alone all weekend (the 'rents were at the Truck Driving Championship thing...) I'd not been in the habit of schooling my emotions. So mom ends up cornering me sometime in the middle of the afternoon and keeps nagging me about what's wrong. I tell her that I've been depressed lately, thinking that maybe, *finally* I can open up to her about how I feel and what's going on with me. Instead of being understanding and accepting me, she goes on to tell me that she doesn't know what the f*** to do with me anymore, and that if I feel the need to get therapy or any other professional help, she guesses that I can just go without my Senior beach trip and other privileges. ... ... ... So let me get this straight, Mom... If I want professional help, and I feel like I *need* help, I should get punished for it? Gee, thanks.
...
We began our first rounds of rehearsals in our performance space (since our school's too cheap to build an auditorium, even though it could save us hundreds of dollars every year). They didn't go so well... none of us really knew our lines (well, at least, J. and I didn't). I felt so very incompetent. I've never felt like that before, and it totally sucks. We made plans to three-way call each other tonight ( J., C., and I) to go over lines. Ugghh. I swear. I'm okay with most things, but lines absolutely destroy me.
I'm a really terrible actress. I'm honestly *very* surprised that I've made it this far, considering that the first time I'd ever auditioned for anything I broke down into tears (granted, it made the scene look more real... but still, actual *tears*).
I made a list today during lunch (since I forgot my lunch and had nothing better to do) of all of the feelings that I've been experiencing over the past week or so. Incompetence was right up there with guilt and self-consciousness. I wish I could be happy with the way things are in my life... but I guess I just can't be...
...
I keep waiting for something to happen... and it just never seems to... Maybe it's time to stop waiting?
...
The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows: Brand New
...
So yesterday was Mother's Day (obviously), but seeing as how I was completely and utterly exhausted from sunburn and car-washing Saturday, I slept in until noon. This is not unusual for me, seeing as I would spend most of my day sleeping given the choice.
T. and I got her a card. "Have A Kick-Ass Mother's Day"... When opened, it played "All-Star" by Smashmouth. It's one of those cards that you record yourself on, so all Mom heard when she opened it was:
Me : "Happy Mother's Day Mom! I love you!"
T: "...."
Me: "T. say something..."
T: "... Start it over..."
Me: "T... You *can't* start it over!"
T: "Oh... Happy Mother's Day!"
I swear, he must get it from somewhere. Maybe I took all of the smart genes.
But anyway, continuing with the horrid Mother's Day.
I've been going through a lot of crap lately, and usually I'm pretty good at masking my feelings, but since I'd been home alone all weekend (the 'rents were at the Truck Driving Championship thing...) I'd not been in the habit of schooling my emotions. So mom ends up cornering me sometime in the middle of the afternoon and keeps nagging me about what's wrong. I tell her that I've been depressed lately, thinking that maybe, *finally* I can open up to her about how I feel and what's going on with me. Instead of being understanding and accepting me, she goes on to tell me that she doesn't know what the f*** to do with me anymore, and that if I feel the need to get therapy or any other professional help, she guesses that I can just go without my Senior beach trip and other privileges. ... ... ... So let me get this straight, Mom... If I want professional help, and I feel like I *need* help, I should get punished for it? Gee, thanks.
...
We began our first rounds of rehearsals in our performance space (since our school's too cheap to build an auditorium, even though it could save us hundreds of dollars every year). They didn't go so well... none of us really knew our lines (well, at least, J. and I didn't). I felt so very incompetent. I've never felt like that before, and it totally sucks. We made plans to three-way call each other tonight ( J., C., and I) to go over lines. Ugghh. I swear. I'm okay with most things, but lines absolutely destroy me.
I'm a really terrible actress. I'm honestly *very* surprised that I've made it this far, considering that the first time I'd ever auditioned for anything I broke down into tears (granted, it made the scene look more real... but still, actual *tears*).
I made a list today during lunch (since I forgot my lunch and had nothing better to do) of all of the feelings that I've been experiencing over the past week or so. Incompetence was right up there with guilt and self-consciousness. I wish I could be happy with the way things are in my life... but I guess I just can't be...
...
I keep waiting for something to happen... and it just never seems to... Maybe it's time to stop waiting?
...
The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows: Brand New
Friday, May 8, 2009
Falling In Love In A Coffee Shop
I'm not exactly sure how I feel today. Like... half of the time I feel like I'm going to absolutely explode but the other half, it's almost like I'm not even here. And it's the really tiny things that get me really depressed, like my dad scrawling "Left" and "RIGT" (yeah, that's how he spelled Right) across the tips of my good Converse. I cried over that... twice. It's so ridiculous. And looking back, I know that it's really stupid for me to cry over such a mundane matter, but I really can't help myself.
...
I took my last AP test today and might I just say that it kicked my butt. Really. It destroyed me. My essays sounded more like Story-Time-With-Kayla. "Well children, when the first ship set sail from Great Britian to touch base in the New World and the colony of Jamestown was founded..." But I'm fairly sure that passing or failing doesn't really matter to me at this point. I mean, I don't need the scores to get into college (since I've already been accepted), and I really don't need the class to graduate. But anyway, after I took the test, I skipped Calculus class (sorry Mrs. L. I love you!) since we were just doing the same things that we did yesterday. Instead, I went to the Drama Room and chilled with Mrs. S. I love having down time.
...
I'm such a wreck right now. I can't believe K. even let me babysit tonight. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a ten year old girl. Everything's so jumbled and awkward and I'm not sure I know how to deal with it.
Take things with Him. I can't stand Him right now. I've told him this, he's fought with me, we've argued constantly throughout the week... why can't this all just disappear and leave me in peace?
Seriously, if I could make this go away, I would, because I feel like it's tearing me apart every time I think about it. Every time I convince myself that it doesn't matter, he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and tries to confide in me and how the Hell am I supposed to fight that?
But whatever. I only have one more summer to deal with him and how he makes me feel, and then I'll be away at college and might possibly never see him again.
...
I talked to C. yesterday and he and I agreed that our band, E., should definitely play at our school's Oscar Night (which is when Seniors receive superlatives such as what I was nominated for: Most Likely to Be A Millionaire). I'm really psyched. We're playing on the bill with N.'s band, and we've got a secret weapon (shhhh!), so we'll see who keeps the bragging rights :D. I'm a little worried, though. C. and J. voted against me on the songs, and we're playing whatever they want to play. I've managed to talk them into keeping my favorite original song though... I love it. It's called "Gravity," and it's so extremely catchy (I hope...).
...
The other day I realized just how much I missed the 90's. Seriously. I watched, like, six episodes of Kablam! the other day, remembering when I was little. I absolutely loved that show. And Clarissa Explains It All, The Secret World of Alex Mac, All That (with the original cast), The Amanda Show, the Inspector Gadget cartoons, etc... :( I want to be eight again, just because it was such a great time period. *Begins the search for a time machine to take me back...*
...
Falling In Love In A Coffee Shop : Landon Pigg
...
I took my last AP test today and might I just say that it kicked my butt. Really. It destroyed me. My essays sounded more like Story-Time-With-Kayla. "Well children, when the first ship set sail from Great Britian to touch base in the New World and the colony of Jamestown was founded..." But I'm fairly sure that passing or failing doesn't really matter to me at this point. I mean, I don't need the scores to get into college (since I've already been accepted), and I really don't need the class to graduate. But anyway, after I took the test, I skipped Calculus class (sorry Mrs. L. I love you!) since we were just doing the same things that we did yesterday. Instead, I went to the Drama Room and chilled with Mrs. S. I love having down time.
...
I'm such a wreck right now. I can't believe K. even let me babysit tonight. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a ten year old girl. Everything's so jumbled and awkward and I'm not sure I know how to deal with it.
Take things with Him. I can't stand Him right now. I've told him this, he's fought with me, we've argued constantly throughout the week... why can't this all just disappear and leave me in peace?
Seriously, if I could make this go away, I would, because I feel like it's tearing me apart every time I think about it. Every time I convince myself that it doesn't matter, he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and tries to confide in me and how the Hell am I supposed to fight that?
But whatever. I only have one more summer to deal with him and how he makes me feel, and then I'll be away at college and might possibly never see him again.
...
I talked to C. yesterday and he and I agreed that our band, E., should definitely play at our school's Oscar Night (which is when Seniors receive superlatives such as what I was nominated for: Most Likely to Be A Millionaire). I'm really psyched. We're playing on the bill with N.'s band, and we've got a secret weapon (shhhh!), so we'll see who keeps the bragging rights :D. I'm a little worried, though. C. and J. voted against me on the songs, and we're playing whatever they want to play. I've managed to talk them into keeping my favorite original song though... I love it. It's called "Gravity," and it's so extremely catchy (I hope...).
...
The other day I realized just how much I missed the 90's. Seriously. I watched, like, six episodes of Kablam! the other day, remembering when I was little. I absolutely loved that show. And Clarissa Explains It All, The Secret World of Alex Mac, All That (with the original cast), The Amanda Show, the Inspector Gadget cartoons, etc... :( I want to be eight again, just because it was such a great time period. *Begins the search for a time machine to take me back...*
...
Falling In Love In A Coffee Shop : Landon Pigg
Thursday, May 7, 2009
A Story To Tell Your Friends
So my friend R. encouraged me to start this blog as a way to get around my writer's block. We'll see if he's right or not.
Anyway, I'm just going to jump right in here.
My head has been totally spinning all week. Two AP tests (AB Calculus and United States History), multiple in-between tests, performances... Everything is just so overwhelming right now. I'm not really sure how I'm going to keep up. Every time I get a step ahead, it seems like I'm shoved back another two or so. It doesn't help that I've had writer's block and haven't been able to spin off of these feelings.
...
But yeah, today I told him that I was through with it. I'm tired of wasted expectations and let-downs. I'm tired of broken hearts and holding my tongue. He'll never realize how it could have been, but I'll be reminded of that every time I look at him. I told him just how pissed I was, but he didn't take me seriously. And why should he? He's never seen me the way I see him.
It seems like every time I fall for someone, it's all for nothing, because I can never be with them. Even the ones I do end up with, it just doesn't work out. Seven weeks... Three weeks... In the end, I just can't be happy. This leads me to wonder if maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm just totally crazy and can't be happy with anyone. I don't know...
...
The 'rents are out of town this weekend. I should be being a crazy high-school kid, throwing parties and having oodles of fun, but I can't. I talked to J. about this the other day. He says it's because of my religion (I'm Catholic), because "If you don't repent, you explode... and then you go to Hell" (no offense made to all you devout Catholics out there). I think he may be onto something there, though. I mean, the other day I had this vivid memory of this terrible, terrible weekend that I spent in Illinois (my former home state) where a very embarrassing moment occurred. This horrible thing happened over four years ago, and I'm apparently *still* mortified and guilty. I mean... really? FOUR YEARS AGO. That's crazy. I told myself that, but it didn't really help. This has happened before, too. I have random memories of bad events and I *still* feel bad about them all. Not Healthy. Maybe that's why I have issues letting go of people/events.
...
Yesterday, C. and I went out to eat and saw W. This wasn't the worst thing that could happen in the world, but it was still really awkward. While we were out to eat, we got stuck in the crazy freak-tornado storm that was happening. Hmmm... tornado + room covered in giant windows = death? It was pretty crazy. I wanted to get a sheep from Goodwill and place it on W.'s car... but C. wouldn't let me (W. is absolutely terrified of sheep.).
...
AP United States History test tomorrow... Wish me luck... *dies a little on the inside*.
...
I'm going to start titling all of my posts after song titles, and then putting the song and artist at the end of the post. They're all really catchy, you should check them out :D
> Title of Blog : Silence Is A Scary Sound - McFly (written and performed by Dougie Poynter - my favorite bass player of all time... besides J of course).
> Title of Post: A Story To Tell Your Friends - Every Avenue (they are so awesome in concert)
Anyway, I'm just going to jump right in here.
My head has been totally spinning all week. Two AP tests (AB Calculus and United States History), multiple in-between tests, performances... Everything is just so overwhelming right now. I'm not really sure how I'm going to keep up. Every time I get a step ahead, it seems like I'm shoved back another two or so. It doesn't help that I've had writer's block and haven't been able to spin off of these feelings.
...
But yeah, today I told him that I was through with it. I'm tired of wasted expectations and let-downs. I'm tired of broken hearts and holding my tongue. He'll never realize how it could have been, but I'll be reminded of that every time I look at him. I told him just how pissed I was, but he didn't take me seriously. And why should he? He's never seen me the way I see him.
It seems like every time I fall for someone, it's all for nothing, because I can never be with them. Even the ones I do end up with, it just doesn't work out. Seven weeks... Three weeks... In the end, I just can't be happy. This leads me to wonder if maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm just totally crazy and can't be happy with anyone. I don't know...
...
The 'rents are out of town this weekend. I should be being a crazy high-school kid, throwing parties and having oodles of fun, but I can't. I talked to J. about this the other day. He says it's because of my religion (I'm Catholic), because "If you don't repent, you explode... and then you go to Hell" (no offense made to all you devout Catholics out there). I think he may be onto something there, though. I mean, the other day I had this vivid memory of this terrible, terrible weekend that I spent in Illinois (my former home state) where a very embarrassing moment occurred. This horrible thing happened over four years ago, and I'm apparently *still* mortified and guilty. I mean... really? FOUR YEARS AGO. That's crazy. I told myself that, but it didn't really help. This has happened before, too. I have random memories of bad events and I *still* feel bad about them all. Not Healthy. Maybe that's why I have issues letting go of people/events.
...
Yesterday, C. and I went out to eat and saw W. This wasn't the worst thing that could happen in the world, but it was still really awkward. While we were out to eat, we got stuck in the crazy freak-tornado storm that was happening. Hmmm... tornado + room covered in giant windows = death? It was pretty crazy. I wanted to get a sheep from Goodwill and place it on W.'s car... but C. wouldn't let me (W. is absolutely terrified of sheep.).
...
AP United States History test tomorrow... Wish me luck... *dies a little on the inside*.
...
I'm going to start titling all of my posts after song titles, and then putting the song and artist at the end of the post. They're all really catchy, you should check them out :D
> Title of Blog : Silence Is A Scary Sound - McFly (written and performed by Dougie Poynter - my favorite bass player of all time... besides J of course).
> Title of Post: A Story To Tell Your Friends - Every Avenue (they are so awesome in concert)
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