The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

Uuuugh, Mondays... I hate Mondays. They're not as bad as Tuesdays, but they still suck.

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So yesterday was Mother's Day (obviously), but seeing as how I was completely and utterly exhausted from sunburn and car-washing Saturday, I slept in until noon. This is not unusual for me, seeing as I would spend most of my day sleeping given the choice.
T. and I got her a card. "Have A Kick-Ass Mother's Day"... When opened, it played "All-Star" by Smashmouth. It's one of those cards that you record yourself on, so all Mom heard when she opened it was:
Me : "Happy Mother's Day Mom! I love you!"
T: "...."
Me: "T. say something..."
T: "... Start it over..."
Me: "T... You *can't* start it over!"
T: "Oh... Happy Mother's Day!"
I swear, he must get it from somewhere. Maybe I took all of the smart genes.
But anyway, continuing with the horrid Mother's Day.
I've been going through a lot of crap lately, and usually I'm pretty good at masking my feelings, but since I'd been home alone all weekend (the 'rents were at the Truck Driving Championship thing...) I'd not been in the habit of schooling my emotions. So mom ends up cornering me sometime in the middle of the afternoon and keeps nagging me about what's wrong. I tell her that I've been depressed lately, thinking that maybe, *finally* I can open up to her about how I feel and what's going on with me. Instead of being understanding and accepting me, she goes on to tell me that she doesn't know what the f*** to do with me anymore, and that if I feel the need to get therapy or any other professional help, she guesses that I can just go without my Senior beach trip and other privileges. ... ... ... So let me get this straight, Mom... If I want professional help, and I feel like I *need* help, I should get punished for it? Gee, thanks.

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We began our first rounds of rehearsals in our performance space (since our school's too cheap to build an auditorium, even though it could save us hundreds of dollars every year). They didn't go so well... none of us really knew our lines (well, at least, J. and I didn't). I felt so very incompetent. I've never felt like that before, and it totally sucks. We made plans to three-way call each other tonight ( J., C., and I) to go over lines. Ugghh. I swear. I'm okay with most things, but lines absolutely destroy me.
I'm a really terrible actress. I'm honestly *very* surprised that I've made it this far, considering that the first time I'd ever auditioned for anything I broke down into tears (granted, it made the scene look more real... but still, actual *tears*).
I made a list today during lunch (since I forgot my lunch and had nothing better to do) of all of the feelings that I've been experiencing over the past week or so. Incompetence was right up there with guilt and self-consciousness. I wish I could be happy with the way things are in my life... but I guess I just can't be...

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I keep waiting for something to happen... and it just never seems to... Maybe it's time to stop waiting?

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