What If...

So the other day, I had to write a paper which was supposed to be a reflection on my life so far. I don't know whether I liked that particular assignment or not. While I loved the freedom I had in writing about my life, I still felt weird about telling Mr. B about my past. I did learn a lot about myself though, and it was sooo very weird. I'm not sure how to describe it.
Like... it was almost like I was just an observer in my life, watching this silly girl with dark hair and darker eyes making the same mistakes again and again. You'd think that somewhere along the way my conscious self would step in and stop that stupid girl from repeating herself. But I just keep standing here, and screaming at myself...

...

I keep thinking about how weird it is to be graduating. I never really thought about myself getting that far in life. I'd always had this weird notion that I wouldn't make it to the ceremony... and now that it is rapidly approaching, I'm not sure what to think. I guess I just have to take everything one day at a time, just keep living for the moment, and savor everything that I know I'm going to miss.

This random song keeps playing through my head. It's "What If" by School Boy Humor...

"What if I died tomorrow...
What would you miss me here?
And what if I cried tomorrow...
Would you shed your tears?
A story's just been told that hasn't happened yet
Just a tragic foreshadowing
What could happen..."

I know it's not the happiest thing to be stuck in one's head... but this is so relevant to my life right now. Because, really... Everything's about to end, and there's so many unsaid things between everyone, and they'll most likely never be said. So what if these things were said? By everyone? How crazy would everything become?
We had a Web of Love during Theatre the other day, and I have to say, I've never seen a group of people being so honest with each other. We talked about jealousy, love, anger, pettiness... And where many would think that it'd turn us against each other, I think that we really became closer as a family. Not many Theatre families can do that, and I'm so thankful that ours could, because we had a bond that I've never seen before. I love those people so very, very much, and it hurts that it's taken us this long to realize the relationship we've all established, but I'm also looking forward to becoming closer to all of them over the summer, just in time to leave them all.

So if I were to die tomorrow? What would you all say? Honestly? I hate all of these unsaid things. In the immortal words of one Molly Montgomery, "It sat between us like a lumpy pillow, not harming anything, but getting in the way all the same..."

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"What If..." by School Boy Humor