Eyes for this Town

I hate feeling like I've been wasting my life. What am I doing? Where am I going?

I feel like I should be doing something, something huge, but I can't. I'm held back by my own inhibitions.

...

When did home cease to be home? When did my home become another city? I'm sitting in my room in my parents' house, the room that I've had for the past nine years, and I'm right back where I was, feeling like a prisoner.

I don't belong here.

...

My life is still all about counting down days, hours, minutes. I have a week until I have to leave. A week for me to get through everything that I need to do.

I won't be home again until March.

Two months never seemed so long.

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Eyes For This Town by To Write A Riot!

To Whom It May Concern

I know it's been forever since I've written in this blog. Everything is so incredibly crazy and awesome that it's hard to remember that things need to be kept track of.

I'm going home on Tuesday and I've never been more excited to go back to my sleepy little town. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed, be with my cat, read a book by the fire and just relax until I have to return for finals.

Time seems to be stretched out here. Days feel like weeks, weeks feel like months, months feel like years. If things keep going at this pace, I'll be an old maid before I know it. I was home not too long ago, but it feels like ages and ages have passed since I last wandered the familiar streets of home.

It's hard, but I've got to meet my New Years Resolution. I *need* to finish my novel. It just has to be done, otherwise I'll always be stuck in this perpetual weirdness. I hate that my writing tends to mirror my life, because then I'm left with no definite ending. I don't want to be my character, but it's so hard to separate the two personalities. I'm not sure that I can even describe everything that's running through my head right now when it comes to this story. I wish I could just pull myself out, but I'm too involved now. There's too much of me in this story. I'll never get myself out until I finish it. Sometimes I wish I was my character, just because I feel like I know her so much better than I do myself.

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To Whom It May Concern by Emery

If You're Bored...

E and I have our first official gig as Lost In Normandy tomorrow. We're so vastly unprepared that it's comical. Not that we care. We're still performing. The show must go on, you know :)
I'm so excited though. It's not even a big gig. We're playing at a music organization's fundraiser on campus (and we're both in the organization, so yeah...).

We were supposed to go to a show the other night. Supposedly Racing Kites was performing. I checked them out (E apparently met them once and brought them food. They love her.) and I really liked their sound. So we went to the venue where they were supposed to be playing. M dropped us off and we ended up chilling for about ten minutes before finding out that Racing Kites was not actually playing that night --- great. Instead of calling M and getting her to pick us up again, we ended up grabbing pizza at a local NY pizza place (the most incredibly amazing pizza I've ever had in my entire life) and then we took a bus back to campus. We got on the wrong bus to take us back, but the driver assured us that we could transfer to another bus. The transfer place was behind Target... the sketchiest place ever. It was a good experience though; we needed to learn how to take the buses anyway.

I'm getting really pissed with the weather we're having down here. It's October. It's not supposed to be ninety-one degrees in October. I want to wear my sweaters :(

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If You're Bored by Bayside

Echoes of An Empire

So I guess I owe everyone a blog post. Everything has been crazy busy lately between getting all of the work done for my classes and keeping up with everyone at home/away.

I will say that M, E, and I went out to eat yesterday at Ruby Tuesdays and I was overjoyed to be eating *real* food. It was amazing. M asked specifically for a guy waiter (embarrassing) so we had a waiter named L. Being who we are, we had to talk to him... that's just how we roll. We saw Transformers 2 last night (it was my third time... sheesh).

Tonight we saw a documentary called Food, Inc. about food production. Don't think I'm going to be eating burgers for a while...

I got fourteen hours of sleep last night. M, E, and I watched The Vampire Diaries for a little while and then I crashed. It was pretty epic. I'm still so very, very tired.

In the morning, E and I are going with M to her Quaker Meeting House. I really, really liked it there the other week. I didn't think I'd be able to sit in silence for a whole hour, but it really wasn't that bad. Like, I got to think about some really deep stuff that I usually don't have time for. I thought about how much I missed my friends from home, especially R. But then it hit me that maybe it wasn't my friends that I was missing, but their familiarity. I knew almost everyone back home. Here, I know a bare handful of people. I know that this is going to change with time, but familiarity is so comforting, it's hard not to miss it.

I'm so excited about coming home for the weekend. It's going to be amazing. :)

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Echoes of an Empire: Picture Me Broken (awesome band w/ a girl screamer- you don't see many of those)

Such Great Heights

So I've got a four to seven page story due Tuesday for Creative Writing and I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing. The only thing I feel like writing right now is Min and Alex's story, but I can't turn that in for a grade. One, because I didn't specifically write it for this class and that's against the rules. Two, it's over sixty pages long. It always really sucks when you're stuck and can't move forward.

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C and J came down on Friday. We had so much fun. Like... This weekend has been the most amazing three days of my life (despite the fact that they left to go home this morning). I'm actually kinda bummed right now. I'm gonna miss him :( But hopefully three weeks will go by more quickly than I feel like they will.

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I've gotta get back to this story. I've never had such a hard time writing before. Ugh.

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Such Great Heights by The Postal Service

Hold on Tight

So last night was the most amazing night ever. I wasn't quite sure how it was going to work out, since everything was set up to be so very awkward. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it wasn't.

E's mom picked us up from the dorm and we drove in traffic for two hours. Much fun there. I started writing my Cinderella story from the point of view of Anastasia, one of the wicked step-sisters. But I only have to write two pages, so I'm like, *cringe*. Only two pages.... *sigh* that's going to make an incredible story though...

Anyway, when we pulled up, C and J were driving past E's road coming to pick me up, and E totally called it. "Wouldn't it be funny, if like, when we turn into the road, they were turning into the road, too?" They missed the road, but they were there.

We ended up going to Chick-fil-e and then to this crazy-awesome bamboo forest where there was this old dilapidated house and some crazy old cars. It was the sketchiest thing I think I've ever seen. After that we rented Penelope and went back to Eve's house to watch. That is like, the most amazing movie ever. After the movie we went to this park where there were giant rocks for climbing and whatnot, so we climbed onto them and watched the stars. It was a good night :)

Things are getting pretty insane overall. I'm so content to just sit back and watch it all unravel.

<3

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Hold on Tight by Lost In Normandy

Be Calm

7:17... not a bad time of morning, right? It's after sunrise, before the morning gets too late... Not bad. Wronggggg, especially when you wake up and realize that your alarm was set to the wrong time and you have just about thirteen minutes to get up, get ready, and get out the door. Guys might shrug and change their clothes, ready to go in three minutes, but girls... girls are another story entirely. Showers, make up, clothes... we need time to prepare ourselves for facing the world.

So needless to say, when I opened my eyes to find sunlight streaming in through our tiny window, I freaked out. Did the alarm not go off? Was it broken? Did I turn it off in my sleep? I pondered these questions as I flew through half my morning routine.

With wet hair streaming behind me and only half of my face done up, I began to power-walk to class. I would have ran to the Cultural Arts building, had it not been for the incredibly bulging book bag that I'd strapped on. My calves ached by the time I'd crossed into the air conditioning, where the cold air burned my lungs...

...

Anyway, that was my morning yesterday. I wrote that narrative as I waited outside for English class (my second class of the day). I had an hour to burn and nothing better to do with my time than write down what was running through my mind.

Speaking of writing, I wrote a freaking incredible song the other day. It's my new baby. I gave it to a friend for his birthday.

So my Creative Writing class is the most epic course in the world. I adore it. I don't speak up much on the whole, but no doubt I'm sure I will eventually. I've just got to find my comfort zone.

I'm supposed to be doing my English homework right now... hahaha... I've got to print it off tonight in J's room because E and I don't have a printer in our room and the iPrint station downstairs is broken or something like that -suckssssss.

I've started keeping a Writing Journal for Creative Writing. I've got one page about the auditions for "The Wild Duck" that I went to the other day. I found it extremely interesting.

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I get to come home for Labor Day. I'm psyched to get my boots... I miss them so very much... and my cat, I really, really miss my cat.

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Be Calm by Fun

The Mixed Tape

Really? I love Babes, but really? I know you're reading this by the way, dear. I really appreciate your concern for my well-being, but you know I'm a big girl right? I've thoroughly thought this thing through, I promise. There's not a minute when I'm not thinking it through. I'm working it out. It'll be okay. I'll be okay. Take a deep breath, Babes, things will turn out fine.

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These random guys from my floor have taken residence out in the hallway. I went out to see what was going on and our RA Jeremy was off to take care of it. I was amused. It's not that they're really crazy or anything, but sound travels. Especially at three in the morning.

I'm really loving the freedom that college affords me. Like, E and I actually went out at 10:45 p.m. to get Cookout because we were hungry. At home, we could have never done that. It's pretty wicked. Of course, I still have my homework yet to do. I'm thinking that I'll do that on the morrow, as I have nothing else on my agenda.

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I never actually thought that I'd meet so many guys my first week of school. I met this guy, R, the other night and I think I'm going to talk him into taking me to the ATL concert at Myrtle Beach. Good idea? Probably not. Oh well :) If he's going to kill me or something, it might as well be after I see my favorite band.

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I will admit the fact that I can be a silly little girl sometimes. But sometimes it's nice to be a silly little girl and live in the moment. E and I had a discussion walking back to the dorm about conformity and whatnot. So I handed her my food to carry for a second and I ran through the sprinklers. It was awesome.

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The Mixed Tape by Jack's Mannequin

My Sweet Time

So I'm very happy to report that I survived my first week of college classes (well, technically it's my first half-week, but whatev). We've been having such a crazy awesome time of it.

Weds night, E, S, and I went to the Five Times August performance and it was amazingly incredible. We got to sit right up front. Brad, the lead singer of the band, actually accepted my friend request on facebook (yay! it rocked my socks). Then E and S both went back to the dorm and I met up and chilled with J for the fireworks. We ended up hanging out with this guy, G, who J had danced with at one of the clubs. M joined us and so did some of G's friends. I've been meeting so many guys this week that it's insane. I'm hoping that it's just because I make friends easier with guys. Otherwise, my life is about to become wayyyy more complicated than it needs to be.

I've been talking to C a lot through texting and whatnot. He just got a webcam, so we'll be talking.

It's really funny, I'm so ready to come back home to visit, just to visit. So much fun :)

...

Blah, nothing else to really say. But I'm going to grab a Mt. Dew and chill out :)

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My Sweet Time by Alexz Johnson

Umbrellas and Elephants

So I'm officially moved in to my dorm room at college. I'm pretty psyched. It's going to be a wicked awesome year. My roommate and I are getting along and no fights have started yet... so I'll take that as a good sign.

I'm listening to these two lame guys talking out in the hallway. I find it amusing.

A lot of the drama that I've left behind at home has completely evaporated, like it never existed. And I'm basically shocked that it could have ever been that easy. Things are really great here.

I do miss all of my friends terribly though... But I'm looking forward to making new friends. It's not something that I've ever found very easy, but maybe I can learn how to do it.

Homesickness hasn't hit me yet. It will, though, when I remember that Jazz isn't here. :(

LoL, silly kitty...

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Umbrellas and Elephants by Cinematic Sunrise

Don't Look Back...

So here I am. In my college town. I'm chilling in a Sleep Inn listening to some five year old kids running around in the hallway (it's 10:22 at night, by the by). I just finished watching a romantic comedy with Mom and T. I'm not sure why I find them so very appealing, but I do, so whatever.

The four hour car ride down here was excruciating. I sat in the back seat of my mom's car with two duffle bags, my purse, my laptop, my mini-fridge (which is SO not very mini), my suitcase, and various other bags that wouldn't fit in the trunk. I'm astounded at my dad's packing skills to be honest. It was incredible. Anyway, I ended up watching I Love You, Man on my laptop on the way down. I thought that since it's a funny movie, it would distract me from the sad tickling sensation behind my eyes. I'm proud of myself, I only cried a little bit, though last night I was practically bawling.

...

I'm not too sad about leaving, but I guess I'm a little upset about all of the "maybes" and "might have beens" that I left behind. And now I have to start over. I hate when a story ends like that. Just when everything starts getting good, there is the end of the book. And you have to wait ages for the next book to come. And yes, I know that my story hasn't technically ended, but I feel like this week has been the big season finale and I have to wait for the new season to start.

...

I also want to thank all of my friends out there for all of the support you've all given me. I was texting with D earlier and I confessed to him that I wasn't sure if I was ready or not. He was so very, very sweet. All of my friends have been like this. And I know that we're all starting new chapters (or new seasons) in our lives. I think it's absolutely great that we're all so connected. So here's a shout out to everyone! I LOVE YOU ALL <3 <3 <3 And we are definitely going to be getting together homecoming weekend, even if I have to hitchhike home :)

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I'm finishing this post and thinking about new beginnings. I know things have to end. So here I go off to big bad college. This is the end of one season, let's see what new twists and turns the next one takes.

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Don't Look Back by School Boy Humor

One Track Mind

So this week has been the very definition of crazy. I don't think so much stuff has *ever* happened in seven consecutive days. And I'm still reeling from all of it. At this point, I don't know how I'm still standing. Absolutely everything has changed, and I'm finding that while it really hurts to conform to the alterations, it's all for the best. Maybe.

The only thing I've been able to play on my guitar lately has been "Thinking of You" by Katy Perry, and that's not such a happy song. But it's pretty, and it's pertinent. So I shall continue to play it.

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Today Babes woke me up by cuddling with me. I freaked because I thought he was my cat... and then it occurred to me that if the warm cuddling thing was a cat, it was a freakishly large cat and so NOT Jazz. Anyway, he got me up late and we had to leave early, so he ended up having to leave and I met up with him a shower and breakfast later. We went to Wal-Mart so that I could get the rest of the stuff that I need in order to move out tomorrow... And I forgot half of the stuff on my list.

Anyway, we then went to the Music store so that I could get my strings changed on Artemis (my acoustic guitar) and by the time we had finished talking with the owners I was an hour and a half late to C's house to pick him up.

On my way to C's house, I was surprised to find a good portion of the local police squad just chilling on the road. They stopped all of the traffic in front of me and started searching cars. By the time I realized this, I also realized that I was going to be very, very late in picking C up and that I was freaked out. But apparently I'm too cute and innocent to harbor the three robbers who were running around in the nearby woods (yes, that's right, and they were armed as well). I had to drop C off again at night... I felt very unsafe - they only caught one of them...

Anyway, after that episode, C, R, and I went to Mellow Mushroom and grabbed some food. R apparently has issues finding legal parking spots (there were cops everywhere over there as well), so I went in and got two dollars in quarters so he could use a parking meter. I had to stand on the corner in short shorts waiting for him to pull up. Awkward... After we got in, we had a bit of *significant* conversation and then went to the mall.

At the mall, I coerced R into going into Victoria's Secret with me because I had a coupon for a free pair of panties and $10 off of a bra (and I mean, really, how can you pass that up?!) while C ditched and went to FYE. It was awkward with C there anyway.

So we went to check out, and we met a girl named C, who had been having a really great day. We got to hear, in detail, about her really great day, and her great hair, and her new love who had really great hair, and the kids with great hair that they were going to have together. It was epic.

...

But yeah. I'm moving out tomorrow. I guess the only really bad thing about new beginnings is that they're always accompanied by endings. Hopefully a lot of these endings won't be permanent. I'm not sure if I'd be able to take that. Especially not with everything that's been going on lately. I've never felt more like Molly Montgumery, and I can now fully appreciate her story. Poor, poor girl.

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These regrets are hitting me hard. I should have never tricked myself into believing that it would be the summer of no regrets... all I did was set myself up for disappointment.

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One Track Mind (When I Think About You) by An Evening With

Spinning ...

It's so weird how life works sometimes. How little situations lead up to one big epic moment when everything suddenly makes complete and perfect sense. A moment of clarity, an instance when time stops completely and you're left wondering why you had never seen it that way before.

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Spinning by Jack's Mannequin

To Those Called Icarus

I finally got my own laptop today, very sweet. I'm totally loving being able to just chill in my room and write. It's so... I don't know... less confining than writing at a desk. Plus, I love messing with my webcam... *tee hee*

...

I've been reflecting a lot today. Actually buying the rest of my stuff for college has got me freaking out on the inside. I mean, I know that I'm ready for it. No question of that. But I don't know. I had so much that I wanted to get accomplished this summer.

I wanted to finish my novel, I wanted to find out who I was. I wanted to make memories that I would never, ever forget.

There's this part of me that wants to feel completely free and reckless and alive... but that little voice that hangs around in the back of my head won't let loose the other part. The result is this constant war between my two selves. I was supposed to become someone else this summer, someone confident and out-going and fun, but instead, I'm who I've always been. Bummer.

...

I've been wanting to change up my writing style lately. All of my stuff is so *cute* and *adorable* but I want to write something that's going to change the world one day. I know that's a lot to strive for... but it's nice to have goals. Even if you can never accomplish them.

I've been listening to a band called The Orphan, The Poet and I'm very impressed with their stuff. I'd like to write something like that one day, maybe. Something that will eventually mean something to someone.

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To Those Called Icarus by The Orphan, The Poet

*sigh*

No creative name for this post. Just annoyance.
Mom and I were supposed to go see Public Enemies tonight as a Mom-Daughter kind of thing, since we both wanted to go see the movie. I looked up the show times for three different theaters, ones that I knew how to get to, and I told her that she could choose which show we went to go see and where. I also asked her to wake me up if she wanted to go see an early showing.
I woke up at two. She was also asleep.
She decided she'd rather watch television and sit around in her pajamas then spend time with me.
I'm not a fan of sitting around and watching television, so I left. She got pissed because we weren't spending time together. This makes no sense at all to me.
*sigh*
Two weeks left.

Anything But Fine...

He did it again, jerk. And I keep putting myself in this position so that he gets to be a jerk and I get a little bit of heartbreak every time. So what do I do? Do I just delete his phone number like I've done in the past? Try to forget all about him? It doesn't sound like the grown-up thing to do. And it didn't exactly work last time with the other jerk. I guess I'll just keep going along my merry little path and pretend that everything is alright.
...
I'm still making the same mistakes. I know I wrote about it last time... but it bothers me that I can't change this. I've listened to every sad, acoustic song that I've got in my iPod. It's not helping. And it hurts :(
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Life's too complicated. I'm not growing up. I'm going to run away to Never Never Land and chill with the lost boys.
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Anything But Fine by ZOX

To Be Continued...

I make a lot of mistakes. I always have. I don't learn and move on. I learn, forget, do it again, kick myself for doing it again after I had supposedly learned, and then re-learn and start the cycle all over again.
And here I am. At the beginning again. Three years has taught me absolutely nothing. *Sigh* So why would I think that this time, things would be different?
...
So in an unrelated note, J. and I had an epic day of hanging out. Most amazing. R, I love you... *tee hee* it was fun :D
I'm about to have another epic day tomorrow with Babes... hopefully... Supposedly, we're going to go get my new cell phone fixed because I tried to text peeps today and it didn't work. It would figure that the first time I get text, I screw it up :( (that'd be an epic fail, for those of you that don't know).
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I haven't been able to write anything lately... no songs, no stories... not even diary entries. This blog is proving to be unhelpful. Hmmm. Lame. Oh well, it's not like I've got better things to do ;).
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To Be Continued... by Set Your Goals

Past Praying For...

So I've been thinking a lot lately about nothing. I'm not sure how that's possible, but suffice it to say that it is. This post is going to be as scattered as my thoughts, I can assure you of that.
...
I babysat V. today, I love that girl. K. paid me in advance to take care of her animals next week while she attends her Ex-Husband's wedding (V. is in it and she doesn't want to go alone... what an awkward situation...).
ANYWAY, she was telling me how to deal with her dog, who is a sixteen year old border collie who is on Death's doorstep. Apparently, if the dear pooch dies, I am to call her to let her know, and Dad will handle it (This isn't strange, since K. is friends with Mom). The funny part of this is that I was telling J. about it since we were talking about animals. He replied that if the dog died in her sleep, he thinks that I should... ahem... put her in a box, wrap it, and send it to someone I don't like. I can totally think of people to do this to, but it'd be so completely wrong. SO wrong. Well, that's J. for you.
...
I just finished watching A Haunting In Connecticut for the second time tonight. I can't decide if it freaks me out or inspires me. I do highly recommend it though, it was absolutely incredible. I still have the rhyme stuck in my head. L. was right, it's addictive. One bright day in the middle of the night/ Two dead boys got up to fight / Back to back they faced one another/ Pulled out their swords and shot each other... It's just the right mix of funny and creepy... But yeah, so I was putting my cup of tea into the sink... I walked into the kitchen (all of the lights were off, of course) and I forgot that all of the lower cabinets were open, since we have a mouse and Jazz (the cat) is too lazy to get off of her bum to catch it. I walk into the kitchen and one of the cabinets brushes my leg... I FREAKED OUT. It was one of those moments where you can feel your heart STOP beating and everything just jumps out at you. Anyway, I felt really foolish afterward and had more tea.
...
R. went off to camp the other day. It isn't unusual for him to disappear for weeks at a time away at camps or family vacations... I am a bit miffed right now, though. He called me from Chicago before he boarded his flight home, and I left him a message back, since I didn't have my cell at the time that he called me. He never called me back... and now he's gone for a week. It would have been nice if he would have, you know, let me know that he made it back into the state without being in a plane crash... *sigh*. And since I know that you're reading this right now, Babes... I'm holding a grudge. And you need to get your yearbook. Thank you very much. (note the clipped tones implied with the extensive period use).
...
I feel like I'm at the brink of something. I don't know what, though. It's not college... I can tell that it's not... Or maybe I'm just going crazy.

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Past Praying For by VersaEmerge

Living In America...

So last night I saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with a very odd collection of friends. It originally began with S and I making plans because I haven't hung out with her since before graduation, despite the fact that she's supposed to be my best friend. We then recruited R (who I had to pick up because he's still grounded - good job, Babes) and I called up I, who brought along J. I've never actually hung out with J, so it was an interesting experience in getting to know her.
Anyway, the movie... despite what some die-hard fans will say... was quite enjoyable. I mean, I thought it was brilliant, as far as movies went. I recognize that everything in the book can't be stuffed into the movie without us sitting in the cinema for hours on end. But yeah, good movie. I recommend it so long as you know how to let little things go.
...
So S spent the night after the movie. We went to Sheetz with R where we stocked up on coffee and after dropping R off, we stopped by Wal-Mart and got a frozen pizza to cook when we got home. We stayed up until 6am... S decided to set her alarm on her cell phone because she hadn't woken up any later than 11am the whole summer.... Guess who had to wake up? Yeah... Dunno why. Lame.
We watched Some Kind of Wonderful which I can totally relate to (damn it), then we went to the pool and C joined us. After S went home, C and I jammed for a bit. He said that he honestly likes my new song. I'm excited, because I love that song too... :)
...
I got my AP grades back... Very awesome. I got a 5 on my AP United States History exam and a 4 on my AP AB Calculus exam... I did A LOT better than I thought I did. Wow...

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Living In America by The Sounds

The Wordless

So I had a random bout of writing depression today where I decided that all of my ramblings were worthless and I was going to be in the fast food industry for the rest of my natural existence. Thanks to R and J, this passed by rather quickly. Ha, I found this one thing that I wrote about a certain Jerk... It was just a novelized version of an encounter that I'd had with him. It's weird to look back on that, after all this time has passed and everything has changed. I'm glad things had turned out that way. No regrets.
Anyway, I found out what the problem is concerning my writing. I've been stuck at these two points in this book that I'm writing. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize what the problem's been. I can't write because I don't know *how* to write about a relationship. I can't write about the relationship because I can't write what I know with that... I just can't. Not that I write what I know for the rest of the stories that I write... But this book has been as close as I can get to what I know, and now I'm stuck. I guess I can wait a little longer, it's taken me two years to get here as is. *Sigh* And I really, really wanted to finish it this summer. Oh well.
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I'm re-writing a couple of my songs tonight. I can't sleep, so I might as well make music, right? I might as well do *something.* The songs aren't bad, but they need new music... new rhythms... something different, something unique, something that can be mine.
I'm tired of writing songs for other people. I want to write stuff for me. Songs that I can love no matter what.
...
I'm afraid to write anything else up here right now. I've not been to bed before 4 in two weeks. Of course, I also sleep in past noon, but still. I haven't been able to keep my thoughts straight lately. *Sigh* Off to go read Book 5 of the Wheel Of Time... (Don't make fun, it's a good series).

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The Wordless by Cinematic Sunrise

Therapy...

I'd like to think that we all have a purpose. That we all have some major function to perform throughout the course of our lifetime that makes all of our struggles and our frustrations worthwhile.
Right now, the only purpose that it seems that I have is to make things complicated. To plan out everything perfectly, and then screw them up terribly. I build things up to their full potential, and then I completely destroy them.
How do you change that without changing everything?
I thought at one point that I could change things about myself, things that I didn't like. But I know now that I can't. I'll always be this silly little girl with silly daydreams and no concept whatsoever of reality.
Anyway, this was just a random spilling of thoughts so as to clear my head and get me ready for some serious writing-time.
♥

Therapy by All Time Low

Blue Eyes...

I'd like to think that most of the time, things turn out for the best, right? What if they don't? I promised myself that I'd come out of the summer being able to say that I had no regrets as I went on to college. I wanted to look back on this summer and smile, because I knew that I had done everything that needed to be done.
So why do I let him get to me? Even when I'm not around him, he's still there, haunting me. Ugh. I wish I could just rip out the part of my brain that thinks about him still.
R. says that I don't try. But what's the point in trying when the ending isn't happy... when the Prince finds a different Princess and the serving girl is always a serving girl. *Sigh* But why am I dwelling on such things? I should just put all of this behind me, because I'm bigger than this petty daydreaming. I should be more... I'm a writer. I have to find the line between fiction and reality and keep myself from falling too far into dreams of what could be.
...
Anyway, today was most awesome. I. and I went to the music store and we chatted with the guy who worked there. He ended up giving I. a couple of free guitar picks. I love going there. K. wasn't working, which I was kind of bummed about, because I really like chilling with him and talking music. He's never there when I'm there... maybe he's avoiding me? LoL.
Then we went off to lunch at ECW because I. had never been there and I bought because it was her birthday lunch (since I didn't get out of the house in time enough to get her a present). After eating, we went to the Mall, where we wandered about for a good two hours or so, randomly browsing through DvD's and CD's... I held Nothing Personal (All Time Low's new CD) in my hand... but I had an iTunes Giftcard waiting for me so I could get the Bonus Track version (which by the way is *incredible*). It was awesome. I don't hang out with I. nearly as much as I should.
...
So this week is going to be absolutely insane, but in a good way. I need to have more crazy weeks like this. Less chance of me going crazy in the house.
...
J. and I played a wicked prank on R. today. We convinced him that we were both crushing on the other and didn't want the other to know about it. You'd think that R. would have gotten it, since J. and I used that *exact* same joke on C. on April Fool's Day... but whatever. ILY Babes :D ♥
...
Anyway, I'm exhausted, and I"ve got some Best-Friend-Time coming up tomorrow, so I'd best be super rested. I mean, I am the mean jerk who played pranks on him all night ;)
...

Blue Eyes by Ian Walsh

I Hope I'm Blind...

Ah, today was a good, good day. I'm surprised that I've nothing bad to write about... not really.
R and I talked a lot about the feeling that sometimes arises when you think that all of your friends aren't really your friends, and they're just being nice to you because they don't want to tell you that they can't stand the sight of your face....
I've been feeling a lot like that lately, but it's just my paranoia setting in again.
Anyways, I broke that feeling up quickly.

I was surprised today. Mom, who is usually a crazy, crazy woman, brought me home a grape Arctic Rush ( I miss the name Misty...) on her way from work. It was super sweet. When I was little, she used to stop by DQ on her way home from work every day and bring me home a Misty. It made me feel like a little kid again. We talked and watched a couple of movies ( which, btw, reminds me to mention that Confessions of a Shopaholic was the cutest movie - ever- especially with Hugh Dancy (♥♥♥) ). But yeah, she was really awesome and today was really awesome. Dad was really cool too... Maybe they weren't being nice and they were just messing with my head... Hmmm... *can see this as a possibility*

So I was talking to R on AIM today, and apparently a friend from London, K, got in touch with him. I haven't talked to her since a few months after I left that amazing, amazing city. I was really surprised. I mean... wow. I'd talked to her sporadically, like when I told her what R's SN was... ( Okay, I'm sorry Babes, no more giving your SN to random strangers that you don't know). Anyway, she's really cool. I miss talking to her. I should start that back up again, it's always cool to have friends in another country, especially the country you're planning on moving to as soon as possible. Haha...

So I found my black Jersey scarf... I've been missing it since Prom... But I found it! (mutters - with my other scarves...). I'm in love with these things... they're awesome and perfect and fun. Like right now... I'm wearing it in the Hollywood-Movie-Star-Fashion. Later I'll probably be wearing it as a shawl, but whatever. It's fun :D

...

I Hope I'm Blind by Ian Walsh

Just A Random Comment...

My dad just asked me why I don't try out e-harmony or something like it since I obviously can't get a boyfriend on my own...
I'm 18...
Thanks, Dad ♥ >P

Sick Little Games...

So I had one of *those* days today.
I got up early... T was leaving for the beach and I wanted to see him off. He's never been on an extended trip without family there... But he's going with S's family, so I guess that's pretty much the same thing. But Mommy won't be there... HA
Anyway, I was supposed to hang out with a friend (initials are too obvious right now) because he had to cancel going to lunch with me and a few of our friends. He calls me ten minutes before he was supposed to be at my house, saying that he was running late. I was too, so it was okay... And then he calls back ten minutes later and says that "Hey, *Friend* just called me and he's on his way over to my house.... We're going to go grab lunch. Can you meet us?"
I didn't really mind that our plans had changed. I had thought of a really good outfit the night before that I wanted to try out, so I put it on and borrowed the car to drive into town. I love, love, loved the outfit I had on. It was absolutely perfect, and absolutely wasted on today.
... This is where I'd like to say that if *Friend* doesn't want me there, don't invite me. Like, seriously, it doesn't hurt my feelings if you say "Hey, we're going to have some guy time and talk about partying and our plans for next week." Thanks for making it awkward.
... Anyway, I show up at the designated restaurant (which is way over-priced and I didn't eat there anyway...) and sat there as they discussed partying and their beach plans. *Friend* made me feel so very uncomfortable. I hate his pointed looks at my friend, basically saying "Why is she here?!" and his mocking tone as he asks me questions he knows the answer to. I had thought that *Friend* and I were friends, but every time we see each other, we end up fighting. No matter what. I can't stand it. Jerk.
Anyway, I get home and called L, because I had told her that I couldn't go out tonight, since I had gone to lunch with my friend and *Friend*. So I called her up to say that I would be *happy* to hang out with her, but I couldn't drive, since my dad took the car to work. She never called me back...
So I was pretty dejected. My dad asked me why I didn't have any plans on a Friday night. I knwo this sounds way to sensitive, but I was so upset about how lunch had turned out and about *Friend's* behavior, that I promptly ran into my room and cried. He then brought me chocolate and apologized. I forgave him... sent back the chocolate. Wrote music for an hour... Watched six hours of television... and listened to the new All Time Low CD for the fiftieth time.
So that's my day. Yay....
Tomorrow will be better... It's not like it can get worse...

Sorry for the rant. I'll have better stuff to write later :)

...

Sick Little Games by All Time Low (new CD Nothing Personal comes out on July 7th... and is amazing)

Memory Lane...

So I had a little trip down Memory Lane today when I was cleaning my room. I went through my little "treasure box" (yeah, I actually have one of those). And not only did I have random fliers and things from my entire High School career, but I also had a bunch of things from Middle School and even a couple of things from Elementary School. I was just so surprised that I had actually kept some of those things... And I'll probably just continue to keep them until I die (since I'm the pack rat that I am).

Anyway... While I was sifting through some of the old notebooks that I kept, certain that I'd find a use for the blank pages instead of throwing them away, I found a couple of "Things To Do Before I Die" lists, and thought I'd put them up here, just for kicks and giggles.

So here goes.... The Things To Do Before I Die List
... the accomplished ones are marked with a ♥

> Get a book published
> Write a song that will change someone's life ♥
> Learn how to shoot a bow
> Sky dive
> Take a random road trip across the country
> Get into college ♥
> Learn how to drive a stick shift
> Meet someone who inspires me ♥
> Perform on stage ♥
> Get over my stage fright ♥
> Learn how to speak another language
> Visit another country ♥
> Learn how to read music
> Mock the Guards at Buckingham Palace ♥
> Have my own library


So that's not too bad, right? I'm still working on the others (I'm thinking that sky diving is going to take a very long time to accomplish... knowing me). I'll probably add another billion things to this old list, eventually... when it's not summer and I'm motivated to do something with my life.

Anyways, I woke up this afternoon at around 2... I found out after I ate breakfast and thought about why I woke so late that the medication I'm on right now causes "extreme drowsiness" ... Thanks for letting me know, guys! Oh... and said medication can also cause depression... ironic much?

...

Memory Lane by McFly (my fave group of boys everrrrr ♥♥♥)

Simple Enough...

So it's 3:17 a.m. and I can't sleep.

I've just spent the past ... hmmm ... eight hours or so watching the entirety of Scrubs Season Three and I can honestly say that I'm totally disappointed in JD. He used to be my fave... but no... no no no. Maybe that's why I feel so strange right now, IDK.

I've sat and stared at this computer screen for about half an hour, not really seeing it, but not seeing anything else either. My dad must think I'm totally insane - he's watching TV ... silly computer in the living room. But who cares?

I'm not quite sure why I'm writing this, but anything seems more preferable than sitting and staring at the book that I'm supposedly writing. It's been staring me in the face for the past week, nothing added, plenty of things deleted. It's making me feel like a complete failure at life. Why can't I make this story work? I've been working on this for over two years now... lame...
I should not be allowed to write. Nothing good ever comes of it (such as this blog...).

I wish I were a better guitarist. I have no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

...

Simple Enough - Nevershoutnever

Find Me Finding Out

I'm working on creating the new me. So far, it hasn't seemed to work. I'm still feeling awkward and out-of-place most of the time, but I'm thinking that maybe that's never going to change. New Me doesn't like this. New Me does like the new self-confidence that seems to be growing, though. L said that this would happen. It feels pretty good, when I'm around people I don't know. But whenever I get near the people that do know me, I revert back to my Old Self. And New Me does not like Old Self. UGH. I'll just have to keep on working.

So the babysitting set up by mom wasn't as horrific as I know I've been making it sound. I really love V, she's an adorable, well-behaved little girl who can kick C's butt in football (sorry dude, but really - she's eight!). It's really sad, actually. I think he was weathered before she was :)

G is taking me to the petting zoo tomorrow... fun fun :D I've only been to this place once, and that was years ago. It should be awesome (and I don't even have to get up early - yes!)

...

Find Me Finding Out: Danger Is My Middle Name ( Full album Sink or Swim available for FREE download at www.purevolume.com/dangerismymiddlename )

Don't You Dare

Alright, Bitch. I'm going to say this one more time... I'M EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. I can go outside at night and watch the stars if I want to! And I can make my own plans. So thanks for telling me about my babysitting gig the night of the party that I made plans to go to and thanks a ton for telling me after I agreed to pick my friends up. Now my friends are off, and I have to wait until tomorrow to tell them that they need to find other rides.
And thanks oodles for letting me know that you missed me while I was gone by engaging me in a fight an hour after I got home. It's so welcoming. I wonder why I don't like staying and holding in-depth conversations with you. No wonder I can only take your company for ten-minute intervals. UGOSKLDJF:LSIDJFSDKFSDIJFSKDIFS:DIJFS:DILFJS:LDKJF:KLJCVNKDJFOSDIF

Anyway. I love you. But please, please realize that I'm eighteen.

...
Don't You Dare: Alexz Johnson

No Escape

I got back from my too-short vacation yesterday. My mom fussed over me for at least half an hour before I decided to ignore her by grabbing dinner and heading to the computer. I can't write about what happened while I was gone yet, because I'm still trying to get all of the days in order before I start spilling on all of the dirt- not that most people don't already know what happened :)

Mom and I got into a fight within an hour of me walking through the front door. L had to help me with my luggage because no one else was interested enough to do that. But anyway, C had been talking about taking a beach trip where my other friends would be. I tried to explain this trip to my mom, that it'd be taking place the week before I had to leave for college, and that my circle of friends did not solely consist of the five other girls I went to the beach with this week. I don't understand what in this is so difficult to understand. It seems perfectly reasonable to me. I mean, I'm going to college! I don't want to lose these people! UGH.

Anyway, I locked myself in my room last night, and I took some of my ramblings from the beach balcony and wrote three and a half new songs. They're not too shabby. I'm actually proud of a couple of them. I'll need a bit of help with the lead guitar parts, but nothing that I can't handle.

PureVolume has been calling me lately. I have the unstoppable need to find new music and bury myself in guitars, keyboards, beeping whirling noises... you know the drill. I love when artists send me messages asking me to check out their music. They're always so sweet about it too. This one guy just sent me a link and was like "Hey, I hope you're having a super awesome day!" and I was hooked. The fact that his music doesn't suck makes it worth it. Check it out - AHNEST!
http://www.purevolume.com/ahnest
Radio! Radio! is pretty catchy :)

Ew, so how about N. messaged me today on facebook. He called me "sweetie" and asked about my bikini. He's such a creep. And when I tell him that he's a creep, he thinks that it's funny... So sketch. I hope he doesn't find out that I live down the road from him... I don't think he will... maybe... hmmm... *changes address*

Anyway, I'm off to go pack up my stuff and get the HELL out of here before I get a stalker (Just kidding - for the most part ;) ).

...

No Escape by Civalias

Kids Undercover

It's so weird when you meet someone almost exactly like your other friends. Like, seriously, I went to my college orientation, and my roommate for the night was *exactly* like C., down to the problems that she was having with a teacher - in the *same* subject! How does that even happen?
Someone else that I was talking to reminds me so strongly of another C. I mean... WOW! It kind of creeps me out.... I mean, thinking that there might be someone out there *exactly* like me? It's not a good thought.
...
I'm not liking the whole Not-Going-To-School thing... It's so hard to keep up with everybody. I don't want to lose people until I start college! I never felt like I had so many friends until I tried to keep track of them all. Until now, I've just had to walk down the hall and randomly chat with everyone that I knew... and now I have to talk on the phone all the time and coordinate things through Facebook. It's almost overwhelming.
...
Ah, I love music. Like... really. No matter what, there is always some kind of some out there to express exactly what you feel. :D

...
Kids Undercover: Hello Hollywood

Possibilities

I actually have, like, nothing to complain about during this blog. I'm pretty excited about that. So due to sudden inspiration by G. and his random remark about centaurs, I'm going to explore the possibilities that surround us, and the impact of our decisions on the future.

C. and I were talking today, about what would have happened if she had taken a different path and chosen a different guy years ago. The immense possibilities that opened before us with the simple thought of her dating a different guy... it was crazy. Like... the entire course of our friendship and of ten of my other friendships would have been set way off course. It's strange, how the ripples spread. And now I'm thinking about how every one of the decisions that I make now are going to effect me ten years into the future. Will I change the person that I am? Will I make myself something better, or will I destroy everything I've worked for?
This is such a bad time for me to be thinking about how my actions will change my future. I'm at a huge fork in the road, with hundreds of different paths ahead of me, and it's so hard for me to choose just one. Already I have five different decisions to make, and I'm not sure that I'm going to pick the right one. But it's not like I can see into the future, you know? I can only keep at the pace that I'm going, and I can't turn back and change all of my mistakes anyway.
Which leads me to my next thought... If I *could* go back, would I? I mean, I have so many regrets -too many- but would I change anything if it changed who I was? Probably not... I mean, I've learned a lot from my mistakes, and as great as great as it'd be to erase them from existence... maybe they're necessary...

Anyway, that's just what's been running through my mind. I'm leaving for the beach on Saturday with my girls and I cannot wait to just chill with no worries. ♥

...

Possibilities - Teddy Geiger

The Beach

So I'm on my aunt's computer blogging right now because I have nothing better to do. My mom basically put our computer on lock-down against those who would get on and randomly place viruses on my baby. So yeah. This is it.
...
Graduation was last night. WOW. I have definitely never experienced such a strange and awkward occurrence ever. I mean... just... wow. I hugged people I haven't talked to since Freshman year. A. and I had this huge conversation during the ceremony and I definitely haven't talked to her since sixth grade, when we both had P.E. together. The fact that I remember that scares me, but you know how memory works with a bunch of little pieces.
I don't feel like I'm really old enough to have walked the stage... I have a diploma now... I still feel like I should be braiding my hair and playing with Barbie dolls, not going off to college to change the world. One thing is for sure though, this is going to be the summer to beat all summers.
...
Mom's having my graduation party today and I can safely say that I am friends with appx. ten people out of the billion that she's invited. Graduation was definitely just an excsue for her to have a party with all of her friends. But I don't mind, because they'll all bring me money. I guess I can write out all of my Thank You Letters Sunday before I leave.
...
I'm heading off to college tomorrow for Orientation. Mom wants to chill out Sunday night and then do all the stuff Monday and Tuesday. Apparently we're just going to sit on the beach all day on Weds. and then coming home Thursday. So I get to spend Friday just chillaxing at home and washing all of my beach clothes so I can go down to the other beach with my girls for a week of no parents. *Sigh* I cannot wait for that. After spending that much time alone with my mom, I'm going to need a therapist down there with me.
I am excited though. I've never gotten to take a big trip unsupervised. It'll be interesting to see how crazy everything gets -- though of course with our group it won't be too awfully bad, we're pretty nice girls on the whole.
Life's been such a roller coaster lately. It'll be nice to just take time off and watch the world go by.
...
"The Beach" : All Time Low

Natural Disaster

I love storms. Love, love, love them. They are absolutely amazing. Whenever I hear thunder, everything in me screams for me to write. I don't know what it is, but there's something about a rainstorm that inspires me. Maybe it's the craziness... idk. But it's beautiful.
...
I've been thinking a lot about the random things that have happened in my life. Like... those completely crazy moments that never leave you. Sometimes that happens to me though. Huge moments in my life occur, and all I can recall from the events is the certain smell of an old lady's perfume or how the dim lighting made everything seem magical and surreal. But ask me to tell you what exactly happened and I'd draw a blank.
It was like that seeing Wicked. I can't remember actual events in the play, but I can remember how it made me feel, and the cold chill of the air conditioner on my skin. After I got back from London and listened to the soundtrack of Wicked, I couldn't even remember if the actors had had British accents or not (I do, however, remember that the guy playing Boq had an Irish accent, because he was a Munchkinlander and therefore was really short... he reminded me of a Leprechaun).
...
So I've been reading this book lately. I've already read it, but I've started it again. It's called So Yesterday by Scott Westerfeld. While his books are not the best written, the language he uses entrances me. He introduces old concepts that we're all accustomed to and gives them names. For example, in this specific book, the main concept is about "cool" things and how they became "cool." You know how when you see something that looks pretty awesome, you kind of tilt your head and appreciate it? He calls this "The Nod," stating it like it's always been this way. He'll say stuff like, "He gave her shoes the Nod, and asked her where she got them." I love that. Some of his other books are like that, too. Idk, I wanted to randomly ramble about his books, because they're so catchy, like a song you can't get out of your head. I find that I've become really entranced by those kinds of books lately.Substance is always appreciated in a novel, but it's nice to just kick back and read shallow stuff that makes you giggle.
Also on the subject of books... I took the United States History End of Course Exam today, and the only reason I got one of the questions right was because the sinking of the USS Maine was addressed in the Luxe Series, specifically the book Envy. I just thought that was funny :) . That happens to me all the time though. I read something in a fictional story and then can totally relate it back to life. It's exciting.
...
So this blog was supposed to be about destroying my writer's block... Nope. Hasn't happened yet. This sucks. I tried to start writing something today while I was waiting on a few specific kids to finish their Exams (five minutes to End Time... when I finished mine within the first half hour-- two hours beforehand) and it just didn't happen. *Makes sad face* Oh well... maybe it'll just take time... *sigh*...
I hate having to be patient.

...
Natural Disaster: Alexz Johnson

Memories That Fade Like Photographs...

The last day of formal classes in High School... holy cow... And it had to be today, and all of the crap I've been dealing with had to rear its ugly head today of all days. I don't know how I got through school without having a breakdown, because I came so very, very close. I'm so sentimental, it's not even funny. Everything has a meaning for me.
I guess it hurts a little, closing one of the major chapters in your life. Then again, maybe that's only because all of the chapters I write have unhappy endings (and I'm not talking about stories here...). I'm just afraid of new beginnings, probably because I'm so bad at them. I'm terrible at letting go of things.

...

I'm so tired of all the fighting that's been going on. We finally put away our differences in my Theatre group, and after that drawer was closed, another one pops open and lets out some terrible demons.
Why can't he just understand? I hate it when we fight, but he just *doesn't get it*. I really don't understand what's so hard about simply keeping things to yourself. He didn't need to tell them, and I'm so afraid that it'll get back to someone else... There's not even a basis of fact there, only speculation, and I know how rumors travel around school. UGH. This isn't something I wanted to have to deal with on my LAST day of High School.
And I hate us fighting anyway, because I love him soooo much, and he's leaving soon. We shouldn't be like this right now, we should be having as many good times as possible.

...

I don't know why I keep listening to these sad songs, playing over and over through my speakers. They do nothing to pull me out of my melancholy. And yet... I can't turn them off, because they're speaking for me.

...

Memories That Fade Like Photographs: All Time Low

What If...

So the other day, I had to write a paper which was supposed to be a reflection on my life so far. I don't know whether I liked that particular assignment or not. While I loved the freedom I had in writing about my life, I still felt weird about telling Mr. B about my past. I did learn a lot about myself though, and it was sooo very weird. I'm not sure how to describe it.
Like... it was almost like I was just an observer in my life, watching this silly girl with dark hair and darker eyes making the same mistakes again and again. You'd think that somewhere along the way my conscious self would step in and stop that stupid girl from repeating herself. But I just keep standing here, and screaming at myself...

...

I keep thinking about how weird it is to be graduating. I never really thought about myself getting that far in life. I'd always had this weird notion that I wouldn't make it to the ceremony... and now that it is rapidly approaching, I'm not sure what to think. I guess I just have to take everything one day at a time, just keep living for the moment, and savor everything that I know I'm going to miss.

This random song keeps playing through my head. It's "What If" by School Boy Humor...

"What if I died tomorrow...
What would you miss me here?
And what if I cried tomorrow...
Would you shed your tears?
A story's just been told that hasn't happened yet
Just a tragic foreshadowing
What could happen..."

I know it's not the happiest thing to be stuck in one's head... but this is so relevant to my life right now. Because, really... Everything's about to end, and there's so many unsaid things between everyone, and they'll most likely never be said. So what if these things were said? By everyone? How crazy would everything become?
We had a Web of Love during Theatre the other day, and I have to say, I've never seen a group of people being so honest with each other. We talked about jealousy, love, anger, pettiness... And where many would think that it'd turn us against each other, I think that we really became closer as a family. Not many Theatre families can do that, and I'm so thankful that ours could, because we had a bond that I've never seen before. I love those people so very, very much, and it hurts that it's taken us this long to realize the relationship we've all established, but I'm also looking forward to becoming closer to all of them over the summer, just in time to leave them all.

So if I were to die tomorrow? What would you all say? Honestly? I hate all of these unsaid things. In the immortal words of one Molly Montgomery, "It sat between us like a lumpy pillow, not harming anything, but getting in the way all the same..."

...

"What If..." by School Boy Humor

No One Sleeps When I'm Awake...

Yesterday was the last performance of "The Monster Responsible" by my Theatre class. I have to say, it was the best performance we've ever had. I think we were all crying by the end though. On one hand, I'm relieved that it's finally over - because during a show, you're basically living on stress. Stressing over cues, lines, entrances, the little mishaps that always seem to happen (like the traveler breaking during one of the major scenes and the lighting guy leaving his booth to fix it). But it's so very, very sad. I'm never again going to stand on the stage in our Performance Center with those people. Next time my school puts on a production, I'll be in the audience, cheering on the next generation of hopefuls.
I cried all day yesterday during production. I cried when I showed up to put on my make-up. I cried when we held our group prayer to the Theatre Gods. I cried when I sat backstage before my scene, talking about the future with J. I almost told him right then and there what was running through my mind, but that's not his concern. I cried when I went up for the last scene, my candle flame barely holding onto life. I cried presenting K. with flowers. I *didn't* cry while everyone did the Cupid Shuffle after the presentation of flowers. That was a nice little surprise (which I knew nothing about btw...). I did cry when we struck the set, and while I was driving to school to unload the trucks... and on my way home from the school as I was holding Significant Conversation with individuals.
I took the time that we had together for granted. We had our Cast Party at J.'s house, the *perfect* party place, btw, if you ever need to have a get-together... Before we had actually gotten to the Performance Center, we were just a jumble of people, some of us friends, but it almost seemed like we were all in separate cliques, pitted against one another. And then we go through our final run-through, and it just came together like magic. We did it. And we made it incredible. Sure, there were some parts that were rough around the edges, but we had become family - the way a Theatre group should. Our director confessed on that final day that she would have never thought it possible for us to become what we had, but we did it. Our cast party sealed that bond. We can never look back from that day, now. And the pool at K.'s house was absolutely perfect.

...

I was proven just how blessed I was, over this long weekend. Things that I'd been taking for granted were put in jeopardy, and the obstacles were overcome. ♥

...

As I'm writing this blog and reflecting back on how crazy this past week has really been, I've got to mention what my crazy mom is doing right now. Graduation Invitations.

WTF?

I really don't see the point in Graduation Invitations. Everyone that is coming to my Graduation has already been invited and are coming. Why I have to send out announcements and invite people that I haven't ever heard of that are somehow distantly related to me is beyond my comprehension. I mean... really?
And I'm supposed to fill these out, right? Not according to Mom, because I "don't do it right" and will probably "F*** it up" or something. UGH. And why do there have to be steps to doing a Grad. Invitation correctly? Why so many pieces of paper? It really doesn't make any sense.

...

I finally got back on my PureVolume account. Check me out on there if you want: GuitarGirl57. I'm getting some really awesome music, now. Right now I'm listening to The Sounds. They're Swedish, and awesome. Before This Storm still has its profile up. That amuses me. Good times, very good times... Maybe one day... ♥.

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No One Sleeps When I'm Awake: The Sounds

Can You Hear Me...?

There are certain things that I'd like to say to certain people. I stole this off of R.'s facebook page (thanks dear). So let's get the bashing started...

1. Okay. I'm not perfect. Live with it. Just because your life didn't take you where you wanted it to does not mean that you have the right to bash all of my hopes and dreams. You made your decisions, so let me make mine. We grew up in different times, you can't expect me to have the same views and opinions as you did when you were my age, and you can't try to make me into something that I don't want to be. I just want to write stories and play music. Maybe I'll be happy without a lot of money. I don't want to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a naval officer (btw, wtf?). So let me be, and stop nagging me ALL THE TIME. It's my senior year, let me make a few decisions, and hey, this is a crazy idea - why not support me in my choices? You know I love you, but sometimes I get the distinct impression that you wish that I had never been born -- do you even have the slightest idea of how that makes me feel? And by the way, when a person is nice enough to bring you home amazing cookies, just say "Thank You" and eat the damn cookies!

2. Sometimes, I almost think that it would have been much easier for me if we had never met last year. Part of me wants to say that it was worth it, just to have gotten to know you, because you really are one of the most amazing people that I've ever met, honestly. But... I don't know, sometimes it feels like you really dislike me. But then you say you're just kidding and you give me that look that makes my breath freeze for a second. But I can't have you anyway, and I just keep leaving myself open for disappointment. I want to tell you so badly how I feel... but I can't destroy what we've built, you know? So yeah, I'll keep silent and I'll keep watching you make the same mistakes. Maybe someday you'll learn... But whatever...

3. Stop messing with me, okay? One minute you're really into me, the next you're going on and on and on and on and on and on about some random girl that you've hooked up with, or are talking to, or are thinking about... Why? What purpose does this serve? Does it make you feel more like a stud or something, to brag about your latest conquest? Why do you have to brag about it to me? I really don't get it. You know how I feel about you. Maybe it's not as amazing as the way I feel for 2, but still, you could at least aknowledge it. *Sigh* And you're such a drama queen. Get over yourself, already, dear, because I promise you, your life is NOT as bad as you keep whining about!!!

4. Sometimes, I honestly don't think I'm good enough to hang out with you. You're so amazing and pure and incredible and... amazing... I just feel like I can't even compare to half of your other friends. I know you say I'm "the best" but really, when I'm around you, I feel totally insecure. You're just so talented and awesome... You're really the best person in my life right now - and I hope that you know that. I love you so very, very, very much, and I really don't know what I'm going to do without you in the fall. I know you say you're replacable, but *I'm* the one that's easily replaced, not you. No one will *ever* be able to fill the spot that you hold in my heart.

5. Get over yourself. You're not as great as you think you are - I promise you. I recognize the fact that we've been friends since, like, forever, but that does *not* give you the liberty to treat my other friends like crap, whether you like them or not. She never did anything directly to you, and just because she made a choice in her love life that you didn't agree with *does NOT* mean that you should treat her like dirt. She was willing to fight for your friendship, but you let your opinions come between the two of you. I respect that you're willing to hold strong to your convictions, but just because you hate her boyfriend shouldn't mean that you now hate her, too. I'm really tired of you putting me in the middle of this crap, and honestly, if it comes down to it, I'm most likely to pick her.


6. I still feel awful about what went down between us. It shouldn't have happened like that. I'm surprised we're even able to talk. I guess I'm just too much of a coward to be able to handle things in adult ways. I'm too afraid of getting hurt to let anyone in. Your deserve more than that, and I really hope you find it.


7. Alright, if I'm a coward, then you're even more of one. You went behind our backs, you tried to sabotage us, and you didn't deal with things the way someone in your position should. I appreciate all of the honest concern I think you've felt for my, but don't be nice to my face and then wrong my friends behind my back, 'kay? Because they deserve more than that, and I think you realize that, too.

8. I pity you. I pity you so very much. I'm sorry that I'm leaving you behind to deal with all of this craziness, but I know you're strong enough to handle it. You deserve more credit that you get. I know that I joke that you're not the brightest around, but you have a big heart, and I can respect and love that. I know that I don't show it all the time, but I love you, and you're the most amazing sibling a girl can have.

So that's my rant on the people in my life that I feel needed to be addressed. No offense meant to any party, really, if you can figure out who you are. If I didn't get this out, I knew I was going to explode.

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Can You Hear Me? - Evelyn

Stare At The Sun

So... Evelyn had their second official gig after the school Talent Show today...
I guess we have a record for bad gigs. 2/2. We're awesome (Or not). And we really wanted to play a benefit two weeks from now, but our drummer has a Jazz Band concert at the EXACT same time... how does this even happen??!!??
Ugh. I know I shouldn't be frustrated... but still...

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Theatre Teacher agreed to let me play one of my original songs backstage during our play! I'm psyched about that. Maybe I won't mess it up. It's a really great song, and it totally fits the show. Yay! I love playing my original stuff :D

Expectations

I can't tell if I'm simply dreading tomorrow, or if I'm looking foward to it. Prom seems like such a *huge* deal, and all of the little things, if not put together in the right order, can destroy it. I completely wrecked my first manicure ever today. It upset me so much that I promptly cried all the way to Wal-Mart, where I met L, K, and E, stopped crying long enough to get my year book, and then began crying all the way home, where I sat out in the garage and cried more. I almost fear that there's something wrong with me, but I think that the realization that this is the END is just hitting me really hard right now.
There are so many things that I want to do, so many places that I want to see... But I'm terrified of losing my friends in exchange for my freedom. I feel like I'm drifting apart from my friends, just because I'm so afraid of them drifting away from me first. When we all went to the nail salon today, I felt so strange. Like... they were part of something more, and I was an observer on the sidelines. That doesn't fully explain it, and I'm not sure if any of the words that I have *can* explain how I felt at that moment, but it wasn't a pleasant feeling. Maybe I'm just going crazy.

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I'm still super psyched about the show on Monday. I love the rush that you get from standing on a stage in front of maybe a hundred people? Maybe more, maybe less, it doesn't matter so long as you have an audience. And this time we're actually playing one of our original songs, so people will actually get to take a glimpse of the amazingness that is my song-writing. You know what though? I don't really care if anyone likes my song. It's written about a very important part of my life, that completely changed everything around, and it means a lot to me.

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I got a solo in Ladies Ensemble today... Well, it's more of a duet, with R. I'm sooo freaking excited. It seems to be a great closer to our senior year of high school, seeing as he's my bestestest best friend and all. And he's got the most amazing voice ever. I think it's cute that we're performing "A Whole New World" and he used to kid about wanting to be Aladdin... (or maybe he wasn't kidding...). Yet again more performance rush. I got to sing a solo in "Only Hope" last quarter. It was awesome - I love Switchfoot... and Mandy Moore... and "A Walk To Remember" in general...

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We only have, like, a few more weeks until school ends. I'm graduating... WHAT THE HELL?

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Expectations - Belle and Sebastian

Can't Forget Your Face...

You know, I love it when my mother doesn't tell me things. Like the fact that three members of my family are apparently in town from Illinois tonight. Thanks, Mom, for giving me the appropriate time, in between rehearsal and band practice, to clean my room (where my Aunt is staying for the duration of their trip). UGH.

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We had band practice today and it wasn't as ah-mazing as yesterday was. It was still fun, but not because of the music. C. came, it was wicked. She and I did slutty dances to Oops! by Britney and several other songs by her. I have so much fun with that. I should be a hooker. LoL (JUST KIDDING). But yeah, C. and I pulled out my acoustic while C., J., J., and T. played catch with a football in the dark (yeah, good luck with that, boys). It was really cool. C. and I don't hang out nearly enough. We'll have to change that.
I'm so crazy-excited about Oscar night on Monday :D Everyone should come out and watch the show!!! We decided to nix our performance of the original Evelyn song "Gravity" and instead, we're playing the first song I've ever seriously written. It's called "Can You Hear Me?"
It'll be kind of strange. I mean, I wrote it about W. a VERY long time ago... (okay, it was last summer... but still...), but it totally expresses everything that I feel.

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So I've been trying to start re-writing this book. I miss writing. I just can't get into it though. It's like... the words just won't come STILL. I know that the first book I ever wrote sucked, but at least it gave me a purpose. uuugh. But maybe one day I'll get back in the swing of this. Maybe...

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Can't Forget Your Face : Lindsay Robins

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

Uuuugh, Mondays... I hate Mondays. They're not as bad as Tuesdays, but they still suck.

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So yesterday was Mother's Day (obviously), but seeing as how I was completely and utterly exhausted from sunburn and car-washing Saturday, I slept in until noon. This is not unusual for me, seeing as I would spend most of my day sleeping given the choice.
T. and I got her a card. "Have A Kick-Ass Mother's Day"... When opened, it played "All-Star" by Smashmouth. It's one of those cards that you record yourself on, so all Mom heard when she opened it was:
Me : "Happy Mother's Day Mom! I love you!"
T: "...."
Me: "T. say something..."
T: "... Start it over..."
Me: "T... You *can't* start it over!"
T: "Oh... Happy Mother's Day!"
I swear, he must get it from somewhere. Maybe I took all of the smart genes.
But anyway, continuing with the horrid Mother's Day.
I've been going through a lot of crap lately, and usually I'm pretty good at masking my feelings, but since I'd been home alone all weekend (the 'rents were at the Truck Driving Championship thing...) I'd not been in the habit of schooling my emotions. So mom ends up cornering me sometime in the middle of the afternoon and keeps nagging me about what's wrong. I tell her that I've been depressed lately, thinking that maybe, *finally* I can open up to her about how I feel and what's going on with me. Instead of being understanding and accepting me, she goes on to tell me that she doesn't know what the f*** to do with me anymore, and that if I feel the need to get therapy or any other professional help, she guesses that I can just go without my Senior beach trip and other privileges. ... ... ... So let me get this straight, Mom... If I want professional help, and I feel like I *need* help, I should get punished for it? Gee, thanks.

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We began our first rounds of rehearsals in our performance space (since our school's too cheap to build an auditorium, even though it could save us hundreds of dollars every year). They didn't go so well... none of us really knew our lines (well, at least, J. and I didn't). I felt so very incompetent. I've never felt like that before, and it totally sucks. We made plans to three-way call each other tonight ( J., C., and I) to go over lines. Ugghh. I swear. I'm okay with most things, but lines absolutely destroy me.
I'm a really terrible actress. I'm honestly *very* surprised that I've made it this far, considering that the first time I'd ever auditioned for anything I broke down into tears (granted, it made the scene look more real... but still, actual *tears*).
I made a list today during lunch (since I forgot my lunch and had nothing better to do) of all of the feelings that I've been experiencing over the past week or so. Incompetence was right up there with guilt and self-consciousness. I wish I could be happy with the way things are in my life... but I guess I just can't be...

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I keep waiting for something to happen... and it just never seems to... Maybe it's time to stop waiting?

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The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows: Brand New

Falling In Love In A Coffee Shop

I'm not exactly sure how I feel today. Like... half of the time I feel like I'm going to absolutely explode but the other half, it's almost like I'm not even here. And it's the really tiny things that get me really depressed, like my dad scrawling "Left" and "RIGT" (yeah, that's how he spelled Right) across the tips of my good Converse. I cried over that... twice. It's so ridiculous. And looking back, I know that it's really stupid for me to cry over such a mundane matter, but I really can't help myself.

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I took my last AP test today and might I just say that it kicked my butt. Really. It destroyed me. My essays sounded more like Story-Time-With-Kayla. "Well children, when the first ship set sail from Great Britian to touch base in the New World and the colony of Jamestown was founded..." But I'm fairly sure that passing or failing doesn't really matter to me at this point. I mean, I don't need the scores to get into college (since I've already been accepted), and I really don't need the class to graduate. But anyway, after I took the test, I skipped Calculus class (sorry Mrs. L. I love you!) since we were just doing the same things that we did yesterday. Instead, I went to the Drama Room and chilled with Mrs. S. I love having down time.

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I'm such a wreck right now. I can't believe K. even let me babysit tonight. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a ten year old girl. Everything's so jumbled and awkward and I'm not sure I know how to deal with it.

Take things with Him. I can't stand Him right now. I've told him this, he's fought with me, we've argued constantly throughout the week... why can't this all just disappear and leave me in peace?
Seriously, if I could make this go away, I would, because I feel like it's tearing me apart every time I think about it. Every time I convince myself that it doesn't matter, he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and tries to confide in me and how the Hell am I supposed to fight that?
But whatever. I only have one more summer to deal with him and how he makes me feel, and then I'll be away at college and might possibly never see him again.

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I talked to C. yesterday and he and I agreed that our band, E., should definitely play at our school's Oscar Night (which is when Seniors receive superlatives such as what I was nominated for: Most Likely to Be A Millionaire). I'm really psyched. We're playing on the bill with N.'s band, and we've got a secret weapon (shhhh!), so we'll see who keeps the bragging rights :D. I'm a little worried, though. C. and J. voted against me on the songs, and we're playing whatever they want to play. I've managed to talk them into keeping my favorite original song though... I love it. It's called "Gravity," and it's so extremely catchy (I hope...).

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The other day I realized just how much I missed the 90's. Seriously. I watched, like, six episodes of Kablam! the other day, remembering when I was little. I absolutely loved that show. And Clarissa Explains It All, The Secret World of Alex Mac, All That (with the original cast), The Amanda Show, the Inspector Gadget cartoons, etc... :( I want to be eight again, just because it was such a great time period. *Begins the search for a time machine to take me back...*

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Falling In Love In A Coffee Shop : Landon Pigg